Fruit and Nut..? Not.

So, I'm eating this bar of cadbury fruit and nut chocolate... but apparently they're feeling the credit crunch too. The damn bar has like 60 raisins (EW) and like half a freaking peanut. I think it's a joke. I think I'm being punked... ASHTONNNN!

..
... :( fucking raisins.

My sister is marrying an asshole.

Yeah.. it's supposed to happen this winter... er.. next spring? summer? I don't know and that's barely the problem.

This "man" has hit her, called her names, and treat her like shit. His entire family is so disgusting, they constantly make comments and hate on my family members. It's so stupid and I feel like I'm dealing with a grade 3 situation. We've told her several times and she still lacks to understand that life is not a fucking fairy tale.

She has become so distant whereas if I try to say something to her, she won't make eye contact and act like I'm talking to thin air. She'll pretend she doesn't hear anything, because the truth hurts her. At one point, she decided that yes, we were right, and broke off her engagement, that's when she told us about all the things he did, all the terrible, abusive things. So, within 3 weeks, she runs back to him and totally embarrasses my parents. She has no sense in her, she's not 17, seems like she is; she's 29.

I don't even care about him anymore, she pisses me off more. She studied for years and got a degree but since she met him, she stopped trying to find a job. She works a shit job, getting paid a garbage rate but is okay with it because he works with her. I almost feel sorry for her, but I feel worse for my parents having to go through this. I mean we're all waiting for the day this whole thing falls apart and her brain starts working again.

She "visits" her in laws and doesn't come home for days. When she comes back she has bruises of all sorts. If we try calling her during those days, she won't pick up, because she is probably mopping or cleaning. He is the dirtiest fuck I have ever seen. I mean literally, layers of dirt on his skin and few surround his brain and his dirty fucking conscience. I fucking hate him.

There's a part of me that still believes that she has some hope, but the logical side of my brain tells me that she's going to marry him, pop out a few pests then get divorced and come crying back to us. It's not that we won't support her, we will, but my parents are too stressed out to handle her coming problems. I think the thought of marriage his infested her tiny brain. I'm looking at her as I type this, and I'm getting an urge to punch her on the back of the head. I wonder if that will get some sense into her? I doubt it, because I'm sure he's done that to her a few times.

What the fuck do I do now? She don't gets it guys.

GAHHH.

Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, as I have been for the past 2 weeks or so.
Lately I have not felt like myself at all, it's just something that's bugging me, yet I can't figure out what it is.

I'm sure everyone has one of these days, weeks, months, who knows. I feel as if I'm stuck in a rut and I'm annoyed.

no meat, no bones, she was just all skin.

The best Friday night ever:
cuddled up on my couch with some chocolate chip cookies while watching Coco Chanel and blogging away.
I love it.. i think this is what I was always meant to do. Nothing.

Oh poor Coco, her story does slightly break my heart. Fucking men.

Anywho, i was in bed about an hour ago, but couldn't sleep.. I'm looking forward to moving out next year, I'm scared to; I know, I know, I'm 20-but i still am.
I mean living with my family is great, and I'm so happy here that moving out seems obscene, but if I don't do it now, I'm afraid I won't do it ever, I'll be like a 30 year old man living at home while his mother washes his unmentionables. I cannot let that happen, and so I'm going to fulfill my life's biggest goal, finish studying fashion and take my life out to London, England.

I guess my dream is big, but it isn't impossible now is it? I don't feel like it is. I mean logically, it may be hard to achieve- or not. I'm scared, I am... I feel like I need someone to tell me that it's okay, and that I can do it. I do have a few classmates who are there and are supportive but I still need to convince myself.

Toronto may have something for me, but it feels too easy. London may sound cliche, but sometimes big dreams do. I'm looking forward to living alone, starting my life. I'm a little excited if that is safe to say.

These thoughts come easier when I'm in bed staring at my dark ceiling while listening to my fan swivel.

life is no fairy tale.

do we all just expect our lives to be fairy tales?
are we all just waiting for our prince charming or our sleeping beauty?
why can't we just grasp reality and understand that fairy tales are better kept in books, away from our mentalities.
call me pessimistic, but i feel as though i'm watching every aging woman in my life get younger and expect things that will never happen.
i mean it's great to dream and it's incredible if you can still have high hopes at an older age, but we still need to stay in touch with reality.
do we really need to get slammed hard.. and learn all of lifes leasons the hard way?

some moments are harder then others.

never in my life did i think that i would be associated with someone who went to jail, until now.

a few people in my life were put in jail a few days ago, with false allegations.
their bail hearings are in the next two days and i'm dying inside.

i can't believe it, and it's so not fair. these people are amongst my bestest and closest friends.
the fucking media is bashing them, and it's killing me inside. i don't know who to tell, or talk to.
i have been talking with a friend, but i feel like i can't cry to her, because i don't want her to cry.

let me tell you guys, this is hard, i know a lot of people have to face situations like this, and i'm sure they understand how difficult it is to support others who are involved.

i don't know who to talk to, and how to approach it all, it's too much to deal with at once, since it is not one person.

i can't wait to see them, free, and just hug them tight.
this really sucks.

so here i am, basically finished a semester doing fashion arts, and let me tell you, i LOVE it.
i can't believe i took this long to actually start this program.
well i haven't told you guys the good news, better late then never, at the end of february, i left my fascist job! and ofcourse i was happy to do so.
it was the best feeling, because obviously the bitch manager, but shes old news.

all i do now is study and finish assignments, and i'm loving it.
i think it has given me that whole sense of accomplishment and worth that i've been lacking since highschool died
now that i think about it, i'm glad that i took that time off though.
i have changed a lot of things in my life and i couldn't be any happier.
i wish that it continues, and that no one jinx my success.
i can feel my career coming, its an arm's length away.
one more year .. one more year, then i move off to somwhere. and begin my life, with me.

i was talking to the current boyfriend, who btw is pretty new, and actually quite charming, i told him about my plans to move out to england in the next year, he was shocked and questioned us. i hated to admit it, but all i had to say to him was, it's a year from now.. and it's far. and i'm going.

i think my main priority has shifted majorly, my parents are completely supporting me, probably won't support my plan to move, but i think otherwise they're there.

well i have an important call to attend to.. i 'll write again.
bye.
S

twenty.

i'm two decades old today.
woah.

lovers and friends.

i want to talk about love. i know YAWN!

well it doesn't have to be so bad.

do you believe in love, falling in love, or just love?

every time i see a strong couple break up or divorce, the little part of me that believes in love dies a little.

you know who i'm talking about, the trophy couples. they seem so perfect together, and then boom, they kill all hopes.

can exes be friends? i find this one iffy, as i find this truly difficult. i detest most of my exes, and i could care less for the rest. i think the reason to that i try not to get involved with my friends, but it happens, it has happened, and i have tried to be civil with some ex-boyfriends/friends.

hmm. there are a lot of thoughts in my head. i may add more later..

thoughts?

have yourself a very merry christmas!

Christmas is almost over.. an hour to go, according to our clock here in toronto.
i have to admit i'm a little sad about christmas being over.. for me, christmas is something far greater then an excuse to give and get gifts.
i love that extra time we can spend with our families and loved ones. i do .. i really love that feeling.
merry christmas everyone. hope everyone had a wonderful day, and hope everyone who is going through a hard time also found some peace today.
much love you guys!

customers can go suck my

was at work today, obviously, and was so busy, i didn't get a chance to take a break to eat.

why are people who need HELP so fucking rude?

they come to me to get help, swear at me, tell me that i'm useless, then wait till i help them and then they leave. my manager tells me to "let customers vent" .... .... is she fucking kidding me?

let them vent? what the hell is that supposed to mean? okay fine, they can stand there and kiss their teeth while they wait because there are only two people working at a time, and fine, they can swear and ask me why i'm not helping them even though the person i am helping was there before them, FINE okay okay, they can swear at me also, but BUT the fuckers CANNOT insult me, i don't care who it is, i will talk back. i think people think they can get away with murder when it comes to customer service. i'm a little person, very petite, and i think that makes some fucking huge elephant sized women and men think they can intimidate me, not until they try. when i refuse to help them, i feel good.

my manager on the other hand is an idiot who only cares about sales and numbers, ofcourse, she does need her bonus, which makes me want to drop kick her on the face. bitch.

my concern with companies like mine, which shall remain anonymous here, are such users. why do they let fucking people walk all over their employees and expect people to stand there and take shit from these fuckers all day?

they're pathetic if they think people always end up being like that. i say my mind to these fucking people, if you can't communicate with me in a professional manner, in a fucking professional environment, because bitch i don't know you and don't give a shit about you either, then i will REFUSE to fucking even look at you, try me. there should be a bill passed to protect people who work in places like i do, where i'm scared that one of these people will walk behind the counter and slash me. ugh.

i think a lot of you can relate and know exactly what i am talking about.

which kind of sucks, i think we as a society are utterly depressed and sadistic people.

and some people just need to be thrown off the face of the planet. agreed?

schooltronics.

okay okay i'm alive!
i have been missing for a while, needless to say, i have somehow managed to get a little life out of myself.
i miss writing here, i feel like i can speak my heart out over here.
okay so, i don't know if i mentioned school at all, but school is starting for me in january.. .. .. .. eeeek. it has been put off far too many times (two to be exact), now i'm happy yet nervous, yet feel a little pressured about school.
i'm a little scared now, not that it's something i don't like, it's something i love, but i still feel a little sad, you know, having to wake up and do assignments and exams :'( ooo.
well, i'm going to be taking fashion arts, that excites me, but also reminds me of the "special" classmates i'll have. a friend who has taken the course has warned me of the ditzy chicks i'll be meeting, and who will be dropping out almost daily.. yay?
well hope it's going to be a fun ride, and that i get as much as i need out of this.
i'll blog again SOOON i promise : ).
need to sleep before work :(
goodnight and au revoir

friends? do you mean the tv show?

remember kids, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
(just imagine your parents telling you this at a young age, i sure wish mine did, hehe.)
it's a fact, agreed?
discuss.

lost me, somewhere in the crowd.

so a stranger now - friend once- decided to re-enter my life today. i was happy for a split second, i truly was. now i feel sadder than ever.
i actually think i may be suffering from a form of depression. i feel like within the last two years, i abandoned my friends and family. i closed up, i swear i'm not that "sweet, funny, bubbly" person i used to be.
i feel like a chunk of me is missing, that i lost a piece of myself over the past few months.
as i lost friend after friend, i kind of realized what friends were worth.
though i don't regret losing these friends, it happened for the best, i can't seem to open up to anyone else that has entered my life.
i feel intimidated by some friends, and feel like i don't belong sometimes. i don't know if everyone goes through a phase like this or even if this is "normal".
i know some of you may have read my post about my brother, well it's still getting to me. i don't know how to find closure for that and many other things in my life.
i miss working with my friends, i lost that job when i injured my foot earlier this year, i want to re -apply but feel a little embarrassed.
i think that i should move on, but i really miss working with my friends and just being around people i LOVE all day.
i mean the new job is awesome, i love it, but it's nothing compared to my old job, and my old memories.
family life is still a bit on the rocks.. we have our moments, at times i want to cry my eyes out and scream right in the middle of the living room, and other times, we laugh, giggle at the stupid things my dogs do.
but being someone else is really hard. i really want to be me again. i'm crying, but it feels good to cry, i've kept this in for a few weeks and didn't know who to tell.
so here i am, exposed, once again.
i want to go cry in bed, i just wake up happier, i really hope it works. wish me luck.
xx

if you're racist and you know it, kill yourself ♪

i'd like to touch base on racism and why it annoys me so much.
i think people naturally are retarded.
a friend shared a video with me that honestly shocked me.
the sad thing is, when i went to europe this summer, we couldn't go to a single club because they were always "vip" or "completely full" or "25+". i remember one night that everyone decided we'd go out, considering that most of us were from canada and were in europe for the first time.
we were all people of colour, hence it was a problem.
it made me sick, because my cousins were used to it. they said that after a few times, you get used to the rejection. it made me SICK.
i do not tolerate any form of racism whatsoever. i don't think anyone should.
i hate racist people! damn you racist fucks!

shortnesss ohmygad!!1

i'm 19 and i'm 4'7.
discuss.

proposition h8te.

i haven't blogged in like a million years, which sucks! but i swear i've been swamped at work and now i'm trying to take up some other projects like fixing/redecorating my room, sewing a few things i've been meaning to, and i want to paint something for my room too.
and i think of wonderful things to blog about when i'm on the bus, on my way to work.. and forget by the time i'm at work, or home.
anywho i wanted to touch base on proposition 8, or as some call it proposition HATE.
and i'm afraid, but i consider it hateful too.
how can a place like california (oh em gee) consider banning a right that every human has?
as some of you may know, gay marriage is legal in toronto, which makes me proud to be from toronto.. and at the same time makes me question, why do we need to legalize something that is already a human right?
aren't we as humans understanding enough to think that we all want to marry? or are we all just plain assholes who are against something that everyone should be able to do, or not to do.
if you ever go back to my other posts, you'll see that i'm not the biggest fan of marriage, because as we all know, most of them end up in divorce. but my point with this post is to say, we're all equal and what right does the next person have to change or determine what i do in my life.
my ex-asshole was against gay relationships and abortions, and i told him to his face, that after he mentioned those things to me, he was half the person he was before i knew that about him. and i hate on him for being such a dumb, pathetic asshole. he hated on his sister for a good year after she had an abortion, what an asshole hence he is an ex, added on to all the other things that make me want to hunt him down and skin his penis.
everyone has the right to do whatever they want, this is 2008, and it makes me sick to even think that people have a right to say what they want to say against someone else, fuckers.
i'm angry because people are ignorant fucks.
UGHHHHH.

ass.

so i'm here to bitch again.. sort of.
i went on my facebook today..
somehow ended up at a picture of my ass, from some party i went to over a year ago, so yeah. a picture of my ass on some girl's account, i don't know her. but i want to punch her on the gut.
i think that's sort of normal?
i mean i'm a little angry
and no, not a nude shot, but a shot of my underwear/ass. UGH.
and this is why i hate facebook and all of the sites that act like it.
what a pile of bullshit.
it sucks, because i can't do anything about it.

home sweet home

i don't think i ever appreciate my home as much as i do during cold winter days or hot humid summer days.
the other day, i went to fear fest at wonderland, and for my non-canadian readers, wonderland is a HUGE amusement park here in toronto.
i don't usually go there, but for the past two years we have started to go for halloween.
anywho, i went there with my sister, her fiancee and his older brother. it was fun, it usually ends up being, i hate going on rides, but somehow they convince me to get on one and then afterwards, i refuse to near any.
it was a warm day, surprisingly nice out here, and they thought it was stay a bit warm, and so we decided not to wear anything super warm. BIG MISTAKE.
i make alot of big mistakes : ).
so come 10 o'clock, the temprature drops like a million degrees. i was so tired of walking and i couldn't stand the cold, i even started to get a back ache from the cold.
and i was SOOO happy to step into my house after the long night, i mean don't get me wrong, i had alot of fun and i'm always up to go out, but at the end of the day, i don't want anything more then my bed and blanket.
i can't imagine not having a home to come to.
those are the nights i feel so strongly for the homeless, for people living under the poverty line. and it makes me sick. because the winters in canada are COLD, i mean a limb will fall off if you don't cover it, no pun intended.
it's terrible, i mean i go downtown every now and then during winter time, and see the poor people laying on those manholes that blow out warm air. and i swear it breaks my heart :'(
appreciate your home, your family or loved ones, not everyone has what you have, honestly. it can always be worse.
much love
xx

my brother.

i'm a little sad,
and this is because i feel so strongly for a friend on the blogs here, sarah, who blogs on www.girllikesgirl.blogspot.com, she is an awesome person, you can tell just by reading what she writes, and you can almost feel what she writes.
she is going through a rough time, and it reminds me of some moments which were barely similar, but somewhat painful. nothing can compare to what she is feeling though. much love for you sarah!

i'm sad because i miss my brother, i haven't seen him since i was fourteen.
in my family, we are 5 siblings and both my parents are still here with us, and i love them to death. i love my parents oh so much. i really do. as a family, we've been through A LOT in life and not seeing one of our family members has dug out a big hole in our household. i'm crying as a type. i can't help it. as soon as i start talking about my brother, i get very emotional.. because i'm a bit angry at him.
see, my brother was the oldest out of all the siblings, and i'm the youngest. we were always very close, and i'm angry that he doesn't bother calling us. infact, we don't even know where he is.
he left angry. he was dating a woman who was basically a witch. she is an older woman, about my mother's age, with a son who is 25, (my brother is 32 now). which makes it totalllly awkward.
at first, we didn't say anything about her, we accepted her because love is blind, and apparently stupid too.
we didn't mind her, we were sweet to her, me and my two sisters tried hard to make her comfortable in the household. but it was weird, i was a bit young to understand, and didn't get why she was always avoiding our family. she disrespected my family several times, and she didn't like my mother, who i swear is the sweetest woman anyone will ever meet, she didn't like me or my sisters.
she did the weirdest things, and i won't get into it. she didn't tell us about her son, or her past, she claimed she was 27... and yeah.. she didn't look it.
she stayed with us for a few days and so this gave me a chance to get into her stuff one night when she was out with my brother.
we got some i.d. from her bag and there it was, her fake name on a passport. her birthday, and pictures of her old son.
we didn't know what to do. we acted like we never saw it.
eventually she made my father so angry that he made my brother pick between her and us.
and as you can tell .. he picked her. and left our house. and we haven't seen him since.
he called us every now and then, but hasn't called in over two years.
this is hard on my mother, she cried for about 6 months straight. was miserable. and now still misses him ofcourse.
i don't know what to expect.
my dad doesn't mention him to anyone anymore, it's like he never exsisted.
i can't talk about him in front of my mom, it just crushes her.
i don't know what to do. he may read this.. i hope he does, and i hope he knows who is writing this.
i miss him alot, i can't believe it has been 5 years, and i've cried alot.. and i really want to see my brother again. the last time i spoke to him was when i was in the hospital, dying, he decided to call, and i didn't want to talk to him, i was angry, i wish i begged him to come. i wish i did.
i can't stop crying. so i'll stop talking about him. i'm so depressed about this. i don't know what to do.
xx