rest in peace

early saturday morning. almost 1 am.. usually am in bed, but since i have nothing to look forward to tomorrow, i'll stay up longer.

there are many things on my mind tonight, almost all are confusing and can't be put into words.
i feel like i need to cry to feel better, but i don't have anything to cry about.

it's just that the world feels a little gloomy, mr. mcqueen's death shook me a bit. though there's no personal connection; i feel the world has lost an amazing talent, his work was truly breathtaking and i doubt anyone will ever be able to match up to his level in haute couture.

his death made me wonder how my world will be if something sudden were to happen * knock on wood* would i be able to live through it? when i was younger the thought of loosing my parents made me cry, a lot. today, i'm older, practically on my own at 21, still at home, but mentally alone, i feel that it's reality, really sad reality. the thought still makes me cry, and i never want to accept it.

whenever i hear that someone has lost someone in their family, i really don't know how they deal with it. i really don't know and it breaks my heart everytime. especially a parent, i don't know, or a child. it's difficult i bet but i hope i never have to know.

about a month ago, my cousin passed away from complications of surgery, she was 30 and had 5 young kids. the youngest only a few months old. to be honest, i didn't know her well, but i cried, because i felt her husband's pain, i felt my mother's sorrow, and i thought about her children who probably didn't understand.

not a day goes by that i don't feel the fear of death, not for myself, but for loosing someone, how does one not think about it, or how does one get over this fear? help.

rasspppppish.

what's with the forced raspy voice? I really wish I could add a voice clip, her voice is KILLING it. 'her who' you ask? a girl from my program.. i swear i've never seen her but her constant rasp in the voice is making me really angry.. i'm typing this as i hear her speak. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

it's the sort of cliche type voice, like the valley girl, the thugnugget, and so on. this is what i call the "raspy gone wrong - just woke up but not really" it sounds ridiculousss. oh no! she left, i really wanted to record some of that! haha!

would have been an awesome pick me up or piss me off for another time.

anywho, little blurb of the day i guess. i should get back to focusing on school, blogging during school hours, while in a school building, using the school's internet, should be banned! NOT.

adios.