15.12.10

emotionation

here are a few thoughts that i must let out.
i want to change the world. i want to change people.

i never thought i'd have to face this: my little cousin hit by a bomb. sounded like a terrible movie from the past when i heard my sister yelling on the phone, almost crying after hearing about him. i am from the middle east but have not been there for 19 out of 21 years of my life. i don't know much about it. but i am the youngest in my family and they all remember it very well. in our home town, undisclosed, my little cousin happened to be in a crowded area, in a war he didn't create and was seriously injured by a suicide bomber. there were 39 others who died on impact, most of them children and women.

what i don't comprehend about this whole thing is the point of it? i'm sure most people do not. i am disgusted by this.

why is life so horrible, so cold and unforgiving?

lord give me strength.

10.11.10

alors on danse

so my dad is sitting here, sipping his beer, chatting to my mother, and me (he thinks i'm listening but i have my ears stuffed with miguel and j.cole at the moment)
he's speaking about how women are treated in iran, our native country.
he's speaking about our family, his family to be specific, and their habits on how the men and women are treated/behave around the opposite sex. it is literally the taboo thing we all know of.
my mother adds to this about the racial profiling in iran.
i think it is ridiculous. there may be room for change; but to be honest, is that truly possible? there are soo many different cultures, traditions, that follow certain rules, and are not so accustomed to change. i think it would be wise to say that there are some communities that will never change or i should say may change VERY slowly.. if they change it may be so minuscule that no one would notice.
these communities aren't suffering as it may seem.. they are far to comfortable in their own skin. it is okay, they don't know a different way. and i sure as hell can't say we're any better in our western society; to be honest it is sickening how our society always presumes that the other is worse and/or not as good as us.

on another note, my dad wants attention. he can't stand me ignoring him right now.. he has started kareoke-ing. ridiculous.

9.11.10

forever loved

i try hard to remember things from my past, but i always end up thinking about something sad.
why is it that we remember things that make us sad longer and more detailed rather then happy things?
even when i think about life in general, i automatically think about things that are sad, things that stress me out.
to be honest, i still haven't gotten over the fact that my grandmother is gone. i know people say "better in heaven, in no pain, in a better place" blah blah.. and i do believe she is in a better place.. considering she was sick.. i may even be selfish with my thoughts.. but i miss her and i wish she was here.
i wish no one had to die. i wish we lived eternally,.. and i do truly wish heaven is real.. i wish to see those who are not in my life anymore.
i believe that there is always a void.
losing someone in life is not easy.. especially if someone is special to you.. there is no way that you can get past it easily.. there is always a void.. there is always a day when you miss them and want to cry.
rest in peace bibi, i'll miss you forever -

4.11.10

hello? is it me you're looking for?

i keep having sad dreams..
yesterday i dreamt about my grandmother; only to realize she is gone.. so horrible.
why are dreams .. like the way they are?

3.11.10

tired of waiting for something that doesn't exist

to be honest.. i have lost faith in love.
i don't know if it exists, outside the walls of true friendship, family, and love for oneself.
is true love just two people who are really good friends who love each other's company?
i'm not sure how to define love. i'm not sure if i've felt it beyond friendship. i have some amazing friends, actually just a couple, who i love, but not in "that" way, but what the hell is "that" way anyway?

sometimes i wonder if i'm looking in all the wrong places for this thing called love. but if it doesn't really exist then am i looking for something that will never happen? do people die looking for love?

i think love has a lot do with companionship and living or wanting to live with someone who you can try to have a life with. a combined life with compromise, affection, intimacy and maybe a family. there is a lot in this life that i do not understand, love being one of those things that i or many will never be able to explain.

i want to be able to define love, for myself, if not for others. i want to be able to feel love for someone, be able to feel so much love for someone; just much love as i have for my own family.

do you truly believe in love? what love do you believe in? are you in love? is it real? is it really real?

w/ love,
anti-love

29.10.10

polish donuts are called poonchkins

take me to a land where dreams come true..
you know, i was wondering if that shit can actually happen.. i remember growing up i used to watch a show called dragon tales, which still comes on t.v. incase you want to watch it.. i doubt it will be of any interest; however, my point is, this show took two youngsters to dragon land, where they met and hung out with dragons. i remember watching this show and wishing that i were able to go to a different world where i would be able to escape the realities of real life. which is ofcourse not possible.
i hate the thought of not being able to understand where and how this whole thing has come up again, possibly brought on by my long work hours, a ruthless boss, and a manager from an old work place who likes to flirt.
horrible right? it is in many ways.. but in some ways i do love my job, the pay cheque and also the perks. many perks i get.. which i do enjoy.. including trips.
however, i don't know how long i'll be able to stay under the pressure until i blow up.
i don't like to bring work home. but it follows me and stays around.. along with the lack of sleep and missed t.v shows. how sad am i?
i'm not sure if i want to post this.. but i think i will..
when i had to call in sick the other day .. my conversation went something like this "hello.. um hi.. i think i'd like to call in sick.. i think. um thanks.. bye" my lack of confidence due to this job scares me.
bloooody sugar sticks.
i think i'll finish off here and go take a long cold walk outside.. it's cloudy and cold. just how i hate it <3
toodles poonchkins

19.9.10

food me baby

thinking and planning out a second blog.. all about food, my first love.
would anyone care? would anyone read or follow? hmm..
i wonder..

1.9.10

dreaming in colour

are dreams just figments of our imaginations or are they signs from somewhere to make us more proactive or so?

i've always been very curious about dreams.. those we dream at night which either make us scared, sad, happy or unknown (forget them as we wake).. or the ones that are almost goals we set in life to take us further down in life.
i mean i sometimes feel like i'm having a secret affair with myself, in my head, where i argue, cry, laugh.. and do all sorts of things i would with someone else .. i know i sound crazy but try to step into my shoes, i'll tell you how they feel right now:
i'm a 21 year old non-student.. i mean fashion school graduate. JUST a diploma.. feels like nothing now that it is done. so depressing i swear.
i work as a sales associate at the duty free.. which isn't terrible as there is room to grow.. but i want to grow now.. i don't have the patience i used to have.. i'm afraid of letting those down who have dreamt far bigger dreams for me than i ever could have.

i'm not sad that i am not where i'd like to be, i'm sad because when i do get a chance that the person on the other side can't see me past my minimal experiences..
the problem is.. i am experienced.. but perhaps the jobs i do interview for are looking for other specific things.. and my resume is nothing less than a jumbalaya of things unrelated.
i don't know how to precieve this at th moment.. i just hope that i can really follow my dreams soon.. that i can get a break..
but
reality is.. no one gets a break.. you have to break the glass ceiling.. that tough one up there.. i'm gonna make it to where i have set my goals to.. i want to travel.. and work.. and do both together... and shop and crunch numbers and do makeup.
i'm nothing short of complicated in my own mind however, i don't think i'm that far from simple.

dream big and don't fear your dreams.. you are far more capable then you think. trust me. never underestimate the power of true passion and greeed for success!

24.8.10

rest in peace bibi

so it has been over a month since my beautiful, courageous and wonderful grandmother passed away..
i am literally still in shock and still do not want to accept this.
though i had not seen her for years.. my grandmother was very dear to me.. and will always be a part of my heart..
everytime i think about her face.. i cry.
i wanted to see her one last time.. or not even the last.. i wanted to spend some moments with her.. that i didn't get the chance of having
what's even worse is that for certain unmentionable reasons; my parents were not able to attend her funeral.. nor any of those in our country.
so sad because i could see the pain in my father's eyes.. pain that i wish i do not have to see in my lifetime.. the pain of losing a mother..
i don't know how people deal with death.. or accept death that comes so suddenly..
on a personal level, i am unable to accept nor am able to move on from this..
i will never forget her.. and i hope to see her in heaven someday..
to all of those who have a grandparent alive.. please cherish them and show them love.. because they are here on borrowed time..
rest in peace bibi.. you will be missed forever. love you with my whole heart <3

5.7.10

love the life you have

for reals.

it's hard to comprehend the things that are thrown at you on a constant basis.. but we must grab these curved situations, and just jump over them.. we are all capable of overcoming our fears, ourselves, but it's a matter of understanding what that particular thing is; what that particular feeling means - is what takes the most out of us.

finally decided that moving on is the best thing i can do.
move on from old love, graduation, into new things.
i have decided that going back to school will not be the best thing right now. i will try to work on my talents. try to network find connections that i can use.
it was a difficult and stressful decision but i instantly felt relieved once i had decided not to go back.

i think life altering decisions are those that will shape you as a person; obviously. making these on your own can be difficult, hence i got support from a friend.. who has been active in my life lately and it has made me happier.

often times, i find that people will make those who more harmful to them closer .. closer to their minds, hearts and souls. you need to bring people who are a positive and wonderful influence on your life, which may include your family. not always, but it may. in my case, my family is loving and supporting, having them close to my heart makes me whole. there were times when i was younger, when i insisted on having my family as far away as possible.. i regret that everyday, however, i'm making up for the times lost by just inviting them back into my heart..and keeping them there forever.

i'll blog again soon. always want to, never get a chance to.

22.4.10

grow up bitch.

so seriously,
since highschool is over (way, WAY over) i don't understand how people who graduated the same time i did somehow are still mentally in highschool
i don't get fake friends .. what's with that shit?
i'm OVER it.

it sucks that sometimes your friends forget you when they find "new" friends. i know it's important for everyone to make friends, be social, but there is a limit and way you should treat your friends.
someone once said you only have 8 close friends in a lifetime..
i see this like so:
2 will actually be close friends,
3 will be members of your family
2 people you fall in love with
1 person who is there.. sometimes..
0 true friends.
=
8 people in your life.

isn't that SO sad though.
people need to grow the fucccccccck up.

16.4.10

raspish did a presentation, HA.

title says it all.
hahahaha
it was about cargo cosmetics or something.. i couldn't hear over the "aaaaaaaauhmmmm.. so like...."
so i'm not sure.

epic.

15.4.10

someday i'll wish upon a star..

^^i ACTUALLY did that.. sigh..
i miss the warm tropic air.

i don't know why but my life feels really empty.. the thought of graduating may be a good cause of this .. but not sure if it is the only thing to blame (refer to previous post from last night).
i'm having this sort of separation anxiety for both love, life and school.
i don't REALLy know what i'm doing in two weeks time, but sitting at home isn't my master plan. i'm afraid i'll be stuck doing so.

i wish that ONE of the jobs i applied for calls me asap.
i NEED to get out, work, be happy.
i can't stay at home.
but
but
not just any job, i want a job in my field.
i think i'm capable of it.. just not sure where to hunt one down..

ps. how do i get rid of this emptyness.. anyone know what it is? am i just depressed? for the love of GOD Almighty.
jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus.
i just need to drink water.. this evening nap has officially depressed my hormonal mind.

toooooooooodles.
ill go do an assignment.. makes me all warm inside.

leaving love, home, life behind

it's time.
i'm almost done school; 2 weeks left - 2 assignments and 6 exams, i know i'll finish big.
i can't wait, but i can wait.
i miss my love.
i really do.
you know being hung up on someone for four years is difficult. i mean if we were truly together, it would be different.. but we're not. i don't know what we are. we talk daily for months, fight, stop talking for 2 weeks, start talking again.
i feel that it's real but i'm not sure; would someone who is truly in love with me stop me from moving closer to my career?
i always wanted to move (see previous posts... or maybe i didn't mention it?) somewhere..where i can work, dream, make my dreams come true.
i know my field, fashion, is concentrated and tiny here in canada; especially toronto.. there are virtually no jobs, i don't want to be an assistant manager/associate anymore. i'm over it.
hence, the choice to move. i found a few good postings (location to be announced once hired), and applied. only one has somewhat contacted me, they're reviewing my application/resume. i can't wait.. or can i?
well see.. the love doesn't want me to go.. he says we're finally somewhere we wanted to be for four years and i'm leaving. i know it's selfish of me to leave .. but i want to work, so i can help pay off my parents house, make sure they don't have to work anymore; they've done enough anyway.

he doesn't get it. i get him, but he doesn't get me.. he decided we move on, look for new people.. new everything. but i'm not ready to let go!

what's a girl supposed to do? career or love?
smart choice = career
but my heart doesn't agree.. and i miss my love.

14.3.10

"let's just take things slow..."

how does a man always get away with taking things slow after taking things FAST?
fucking men should have their balls chopped off.

yay!

they think they can come back after two months and try to do it all over again.. that's when we take charge, or i hope every woman does.
if you fall for these games once, he's an idiot..
if you fall for the same shit again, you're an idiot.

so ladies,
think twice before you let a man walk all over you.. twice or even three times.

7.3.10

Murses

I was looking at my purse, and thought to myself "why the hell do i lug this shit around EVERYWHERE, ALL THE TIME?
There are times where I don't even have a thing to take with me, but, an empty purse with my chapstick and cellphone in it make me feel whole.
i feel naked without one, and i think most women know exactly what i'm talking about..
believe it or not, purses weren't a huge accessory up until the 70's, so this whole having 300 purses each at $300 is pretty new.
but for a 21 one year old, that is pretty much my whole life. I remember being 15 and carrying my first purse, before that it was always a backpack.. but now i see 4 year olds with their little barbie or disney ones, and think WTF?

do you think we're a society that is stuck on worrying about norms and fitting in? ofcourse. so sad.

13.2.10

rest in peace

early saturday morning. almost 1 am.. usually am in bed, but since i have nothing to look forward to tomorrow, i'll stay up longer.

there are many things on my mind tonight, almost all are confusing and can't be put into words.
i feel like i need to cry to feel better, but i don't have anything to cry about.

it's just that the world feels a little gloomy, mr. mcqueen's death shook me a bit. though there's no personal connection; i feel the world has lost an amazing talent, his work was truly breathtaking and i doubt anyone will ever be able to match up to his level in haute couture.

his death made me wonder how my world will be if something sudden were to happen * knock on wood* would i be able to live through it? when i was younger the thought of loosing my parents made me cry, a lot. today, i'm older, practically on my own at 21, still at home, but mentally alone, i feel that it's reality, really sad reality. the thought still makes me cry, and i never want to accept it.

whenever i hear that someone has lost someone in their family, i really don't know how they deal with it. i really don't know and it breaks my heart everytime. especially a parent, i don't know, or a child. it's difficult i bet but i hope i never have to know.

about a month ago, my cousin passed away from complications of surgery, she was 30 and had 5 young kids. the youngest only a few months old. to be honest, i didn't know her well, but i cried, because i felt her husband's pain, i felt my mother's sorrow, and i thought about her children who probably didn't understand.

not a day goes by that i don't feel the fear of death, not for myself, but for loosing someone, how does one not think about it, or how does one get over this fear? help.

10.2.10

rasspppppish.

what's with the forced raspy voice? I really wish I could add a voice clip, her voice is KILLING it. 'her who' you ask? a girl from my program.. i swear i've never seen her but her constant rasp in the voice is making me really angry.. i'm typing this as i hear her speak. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

it's the sort of cliche type voice, like the valley girl, the thugnugget, and so on. this is what i call the "raspy gone wrong - just woke up but not really" it sounds ridiculousss. oh no! she left, i really wanted to record some of that! haha!

would have been an awesome pick me up or piss me off for another time.

anywho, little blurb of the day i guess. i should get back to focusing on school, blogging during school hours, while in a school building, using the school's internet, should be banned! NOT.

adios.

31.1.10

say goodbye to your heart.


is it always this hard to say goodbye? we all know it's a new beginning, but are we all willing to start again, all over again? how many times will it be before someone breaks and decides that it isn't worth trying to start again, only to say goodbye?

I think it's my time to say enough; enough to goodbyes and enough to new beginnings. i'm sick of it. i miss people i say goodbye to; i know it's one sided, and that's what really sucks.

i don't know how to react when saying goodbye, i usually get busy with water works and cry a puddle. i went to the to the tropics and i think i left my heart there; i didn't get a chance to say good bye, yet i feel empty and feel like there's a lot that needs to be said.

i need some sort of guidance; some sort of assurance that it'll be okay.

i walked the beach holding hands with my heart yet not realizing what was happening. i spotted a shooting star and wished upon it for true love and now i'm scared it came true. though he hates me now, i still believe he misses me.

how is one supposed to know what is the true love? i'm afraid, scared, terrified, did i make a huge mistake? can i blame it all on the star? what do i do? how can i say goodbye to someone accross the ocean and on a tiny island.

this is when i ask my angels to bring me a little bit of sunshine and a little bit of peace; and if possible, my heart please.