I want you.

Why is that when you don't want someone they want you? As soon as they stop wanting you, you want them?

I don't know if it's just us women who do that, but I think it's a major problem, that needs to be addressed a.s.a.p.

Fruit and Nut..? Not.

So, I'm eating this bar of cadbury fruit and nut chocolate... but apparently they're feeling the credit crunch too. The damn bar has like 60 raisins (EW) and like half a freaking peanut. I think it's a joke. I think I'm being punked... ASHTONNNN!

..
... :( fucking raisins.

My sister is marrying an asshole.

Yeah.. it's supposed to happen this winter... er.. next spring? summer? I don't know and that's barely the problem.

This "man" has hit her, called her names, and treat her like shit. His entire family is so disgusting, they constantly make comments and hate on my family members. It's so stupid and I feel like I'm dealing with a grade 3 situation. We've told her several times and she still lacks to understand that life is not a fucking fairy tale.

She has become so distant whereas if I try to say something to her, she won't make eye contact and act like I'm talking to thin air. She'll pretend she doesn't hear anything, because the truth hurts her. At one point, she decided that yes, we were right, and broke off her engagement, that's when she told us about all the things he did, all the terrible, abusive things. So, within 3 weeks, she runs back to him and totally embarrasses my parents. She has no sense in her, she's not 17, seems like she is; she's 29.

I don't even care about him anymore, she pisses me off more. She studied for years and got a degree but since she met him, she stopped trying to find a job. She works a shit job, getting paid a garbage rate but is okay with it because he works with her. I almost feel sorry for her, but I feel worse for my parents having to go through this. I mean we're all waiting for the day this whole thing falls apart and her brain starts working again.

She "visits" her in laws and doesn't come home for days. When she comes back she has bruises of all sorts. If we try calling her during those days, she won't pick up, because she is probably mopping or cleaning. He is the dirtiest fuck I have ever seen. I mean literally, layers of dirt on his skin and few surround his brain and his dirty fucking conscience. I fucking hate him.

There's a part of me that still believes that she has some hope, but the logical side of my brain tells me that she's going to marry him, pop out a few pests then get divorced and come crying back to us. It's not that we won't support her, we will, but my parents are too stressed out to handle her coming problems. I think the thought of marriage his infested her tiny brain. I'm looking at her as I type this, and I'm getting an urge to punch her on the back of the head. I wonder if that will get some sense into her? I doubt it, because I'm sure he's done that to her a few times.

What the fuck do I do now? She don't gets it guys.

GAHHH.

Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, as I have been for the past 2 weeks or so.
Lately I have not felt like myself at all, it's just something that's bugging me, yet I can't figure out what it is.

I'm sure everyone has one of these days, weeks, months, who knows. I feel as if I'm stuck in a rut and I'm annoyed.

no meat, no bones, she was just all skin.

The best Friday night ever:
cuddled up on my couch with some chocolate chip cookies while watching Coco Chanel and blogging away.
I love it.. i think this is what I was always meant to do. Nothing.

Oh poor Coco, her story does slightly break my heart. Fucking men.

Anywho, i was in bed about an hour ago, but couldn't sleep.. I'm looking forward to moving out next year, I'm scared to; I know, I know, I'm 20-but i still am.
I mean living with my family is great, and I'm so happy here that moving out seems obscene, but if I don't do it now, I'm afraid I won't do it ever, I'll be like a 30 year old man living at home while his mother washes his unmentionables. I cannot let that happen, and so I'm going to fulfill my life's biggest goal, finish studying fashion and take my life out to London, England.

I guess my dream is big, but it isn't impossible now is it? I don't feel like it is. I mean logically, it may be hard to achieve- or not. I'm scared, I am... I feel like I need someone to tell me that it's okay, and that I can do it. I do have a few classmates who are there and are supportive but I still need to convince myself.

Toronto may have something for me, but it feels too easy. London may sound cliche, but sometimes big dreams do. I'm looking forward to living alone, starting my life. I'm a little excited if that is safe to say.

These thoughts come easier when I'm in bed staring at my dark ceiling while listening to my fan swivel.

life is no fairy tale.

do we all just expect our lives to be fairy tales?
are we all just waiting for our prince charming or our sleeping beauty?
why can't we just grasp reality and understand that fairy tales are better kept in books, away from our mentalities.
call me pessimistic, but i feel as though i'm watching every aging woman in my life get younger and expect things that will never happen.
i mean it's great to dream and it's incredible if you can still have high hopes at an older age, but we still need to stay in touch with reality.
do we really need to get slammed hard.. and learn all of lifes leasons the hard way?

some moments are harder then others.

never in my life did i think that i would be associated with someone who went to jail, until now.

a few people in my life were put in jail a few days ago, with false allegations.
their bail hearings are in the next two days and i'm dying inside.

i can't believe it, and it's so not fair. these people are amongst my bestest and closest friends.
the fucking media is bashing them, and it's killing me inside. i don't know who to tell, or talk to.
i have been talking with a friend, but i feel like i can't cry to her, because i don't want her to cry.

let me tell you guys, this is hard, i know a lot of people have to face situations like this, and i'm sure they understand how difficult it is to support others who are involved.

i don't know who to talk to, and how to approach it all, it's too much to deal with at once, since it is not one person.

i can't wait to see them, free, and just hug them tight.
this really sucks.

so here i am, basically finished a semester doing fashion arts, and let me tell you, i LOVE it.
i can't believe i took this long to actually start this program.
well i haven't told you guys the good news, better late then never, at the end of february, i left my fascist job! and ofcourse i was happy to do so.
it was the best feeling, because obviously the bitch manager, but shes old news.

all i do now is study and finish assignments, and i'm loving it.
i think it has given me that whole sense of accomplishment and worth that i've been lacking since highschool died
now that i think about it, i'm glad that i took that time off though.
i have changed a lot of things in my life and i couldn't be any happier.
i wish that it continues, and that no one jinx my success.
i can feel my career coming, its an arm's length away.
one more year .. one more year, then i move off to somwhere. and begin my life, with me.

i was talking to the current boyfriend, who btw is pretty new, and actually quite charming, i told him about my plans to move out to england in the next year, he was shocked and questioned us. i hated to admit it, but all i had to say to him was, it's a year from now.. and it's far. and i'm going.

i think my main priority has shifted majorly, my parents are completely supporting me, probably won't support my plan to move, but i think otherwise they're there.

well i have an important call to attend to.. i 'll write again.
bye.
S

twenty.

i'm two decades old today.
woah.

lovers and friends.

i want to talk about love. i know YAWN!

well it doesn't have to be so bad.

do you believe in love, falling in love, or just love?

every time i see a strong couple break up or divorce, the little part of me that believes in love dies a little.

you know who i'm talking about, the trophy couples. they seem so perfect together, and then boom, they kill all hopes.

can exes be friends? i find this one iffy, as i find this truly difficult. i detest most of my exes, and i could care less for the rest. i think the reason to that i try not to get involved with my friends, but it happens, it has happened, and i have tried to be civil with some ex-boyfriends/friends.

hmm. there are a lot of thoughts in my head. i may add more later..

thoughts?