this one's for A - someday she will see it.

a lesson in life that i have learned and have always remembered is one i lived through years ago. as a young girl getting my heart broken at 16 probably seemed devastating; i mean at that time it was; however, today it seems far, far worse.

you always need your friends. never alienate those who were there before your significant other(ofthemoment) and will REMAIN there with you picking up the broken pieces of your heart; or in another sense the pieces of your life scattered.

when you begin your relationships, oftentimes people forget who their friends are as they have found a new special one. i don't know why i find i'm good at not working on relationships as i am keeping those friends there. my best friend A has truly been through thick and thin with me, and we are stronger than ever. i remember the days it was 3 of us.. one went her way with a boy and now is married. happily we hope. we aren't so sure.. neither of them has any friends besides eachother.

moral of the story is; do not forget who your real friends are and never take them for granted.
xxo

Without the "C" cheater is just a heater.

So there you have it;
a full blown affair.. and who am i? the victim; of course.

i feel as though i have been pushed down to the ground and i am looking at the clear blue sky wondering why me? why did he hate me so much to do this to me? why did i deserve this hardship, this pain?

to think the night before i kissed him goodbye and told him to drive safe, and make sure you stay in the speed limit. i had this eerie feeling that was the last time i would see him. it gave me chills.

i woke up the next day after my daily after-work nap to a beeping phone. it was a msg from a strange number asking if i was his girlfriend? i didn't know who it was and tried to tell her that she had the wrong person. but how did she know who i was?
after a couple of confusing text messages, there it was.. "i got it from his phone when he was sleeping next to me".

my fingers were shaking, my body felt warm and i was sweating immediately. what the hell was she talking about? i asked her questions, got the details, and they all matched. she was indeed laying next to him the night we fought and i messaged him
"i can't sleep anymore :(" and he wrote back "go to bed". as this stranger, let's call her "h", told me about this, she told me about all the things he had told her about me. that i was the girl he was being forced to marry.. that i was the girl he was dating only because his parents wanted this.

i started to cry and wrote to him "i hope you realize we are done.. this is over"
he didn't write back.. i couldn't stop crying and shaking, i wanted to know this was a lie. i called him and asked him to tell me what the hell was going on i demanded the truth! i demanded the reality to change, and for me to find out that this was a horrible joke.. he couldn't answer, he was getting angry, he was yelling. i hung up and cried. i called my friend A but she was sleeping, called D and she answered and remained calm and collected. she told me i needed to step back and just relax, now was the time to ignore him. forget him.

i soon hung up on D and he wouldn't stop calling.. here was H confirming more to add to the horror. i was being cheated on.

she told me about all the times that they had been intimate that she felt as he had dumped her for me.. she was with him for 2 years before he had met me.. so was the the one he was cheating on her with or was she? i was frazzled and i felt cheap.

i didn't know how i would tell my sister, that her husbands best friend had cheated and killed a little piece of me. but i had to .. i had no where else to turn but to her. she was shocked, the text message didn't suffice so she called. and we talked about it.. my voice was shaking and my body numb. why was i feeling like this? he wouldn't stop calling or messaging me; i kept ignoring. he showed up outside my door, i didn't open it.
i went to bed crying.

i just hope he realizes what he has done and how he has hurt me. since that day (it has been 4 days as of today) i have spoken to his friends, to whom he didn't tell the truth, i have felt betrayed. i spoke to him yesterday and asked him to be honest with me, i already know that i will not be going back down that road again, he said he would. i asked him to stop begging me to see him, it was not happening. he said if i had already made up my mind then why should he try? i said it's up to you. you need to tell me how i would explain this to my parents, my friends, and how do i tell myself? why would you do this to me when i opened my heart, my arms, and my family to you. you used me. have a good life - goodbye.

that was it.
that is it.
now i guess this is how we move on.
i am coming in terms with it.. i have to be strong and carry on.
but i break down time to time. i need a hug, i need some love.
i don't need pity.
i'm hurt but i'm happy this happened now rather than 2 years down the road.
how do i trust a man again? it took me years to trust them and one asshole to kill my trust.

i feel sorry for the man who will have to win my trust.
i feel sorry for myself when i won't be able to trust him.

why is life so twisted sometimes? never feel sorry for anyone.. this is where pity got me.

tired.

deep inside i feel that i may be empty. sort of like a bubble; a black bubble.. no one can tell.
i guess as humans we will always wonder what tomorrow or the future may bring but isn't it a sin to think about the future? why must we live in today when the future seems brighter?

we live, work, sleep, eat and love so that our tomorrow will be better than our today; so why is it that my tomorrows are always the same? i am just tired. i am tired of putting up with downfalls in every step i try to take forward.. i feel like there are arms just pulling me back and those arms just might be my own.

things have been said to me in the past few weeks that have made me far more bitter than they were intended. i believe the person's message got buried under my sea of hate tears. i am however still disgusted by those who lie.

i wish people would stop lying.. our lives would be far more simpler. humans can't not lie though, that is my true belief. hell i lie, not to people i love, i lie about things like why i was late for work.. telling them that i went to sleep crying and couldn't fathom the thought of rushing out of my bed 3 hours later to put on make up on people; i tell them i forgot to set my alarm, i forgot my brushes at home and made a u-turn.

i wonder if i will actually find true love.. is there a mr. right? i don't think i can handle a mr. right-now any more. i am SICK of it and i am tired.

standstill

sometimes life feels as if it has stopped moving, stopped happening.. there are no events.. not major.. nor minor. there aren't little nothings that make you happy. mostly things that bring you sorrow, pain, and tears. today i feel as though i have given up on many things in my life. i am beginning to give up on many things, some i am trying hard not to. it seems as if i am not good enough for the things that i seek to reach, the goals seem out of my reach. why is it that i thought i was good at something but at this point i am very disappointed. i am sick of applying for roles and positions that i think match me like a glove, but to them i am just a name. i meet their credentials but i do not meet their personal needs. i know that as much as canada claims to be fair, its corporations are just as unfair and unjust. i wish i knew people, people who would benefit my career; however not everyone is so lucky.