25.4.16

I seek mountains

As I sit here holding the bottle my newborn nephew is drinking from, I wonder how I should start this piece. I want to tell you what my body means to me. 

I looked in the mirror today, and I kept looking. I grabbed the little rolls petruding from my back, and I pushed them up; revealing what I imagined my back looking like. In my mind, I am a refined version of what I may be to others. I see that my thighs hug, tightly, though that has been the reality for roughly the last two decades. I look at my bosom, once a topic of ridicule, now a feminine quality I adore. 

If I could go back in time and remind my younger self, at every point this temple was destroyed by a perpetrator; that beauty is not in the eye of the beholder, beauty is within. That those who seek the beauty in themselves are able to see the beauty in others. There is a uniqueness about almost every inch of me, and that uniqueness lies within you too. From the tips of my tiny feet, to the crown of my curly mane; I am loved, by me. None other than the one whose opinion matters most to me. 

I seek mountains (the false truth)

As I sit here bottle feeding my newborn nephew, I can't help but remember the moment when I was getting ready earlier; grabbing the little roll that petruded from underneath my bra clasp. As he sips and breaths rhythmically, I think about how my thighs that have hugged for the last two decades. As he looks dearly at me, slowly drifting off to sleep, I think about my belly, soft, pudgy, and awfully meaty. 

I wonder when I hold my own child in the future, will I tell her the stories of my body? I wonder if I will criticize what I look like once I grow a child inside my belly? Will I continue to ridicule the skin I was born with? 

I want to be honest with you, I love my body, every nook and cranny of it. I want to teach you a new way to look at yourself, to let your inner negativity go.

I worry that self love is a lesson not learned through love, but through association of what we assume what love is. I worry that we have a flawed view of this said love. I worry that there is so much self hate, that people are dying to live as someone else, not allowing that beautiful inner self to blossom. 


Refer to the last post for the second version of this. I wanted to post this to show how my vision altered as I thought more deeply, as I focused on what I truly felt. That confidence and love for myself became undeniable as always. 

15.3.16

Falling

When the last thing ended, I felt saddened. It was nothing compared to what I feel right now. I am surprised but my heart hurts. It feels sore.

What I truly wish is that we were one. Deep inside, it is exactly what we both want. But you are afraid of the unknown. And so am I. 

So we remain the same. You are you and I am I. I suppose we will continue to hurt each other until we fall for the wrong person and ruin it all.. Because we have it all. 


10.3.16

Sun

The pen has dried and the feeling is sinking in. Though I am still unsure and unaware of the pain within. I cannot explain nor separate from the feel. 

I wish to feel like sunshine again.  

4.2.16

Seeking you.

I looked for you in the air.
I looked for you in the rain.
I looked for you in the oceans.
I finally looked within my heart, and there you were; all along. 

28.1.16

Two seven



I've come a long way since January 28, 2015. Hurdles upon hurdles were overcome. I often felt very raw and broken. It was a tough year starting mid year. Mind you, it was a late 2014 type of thing. I will forever cherish the memories I was left with forever of those who left too soon. I will always feel an emptiness that is almost impossible to overcome. Time does make life a little easier to forget. You can manage to replace memories with newer ones. 

I am thankful to see everyday. I am thankful to be loved by those who are closest to my heart. I love everyone who has chosen to take time and be a part of who I am.