Playing with fire

When they're there but don't know how to be there.
It's probably impossible to make someone care for you the way you care for them.
This really takes a toll on any relationship. I've struggled to keep trust alive when I honestly don't think you are honest with me.. even with the stupidest of things.
It is a horrendous feeling to feel the things I do right now.
I am really scared for myself. I have never felt so alone in my life.
I cannot express the thought processes in my mind right now. I am just scared I may have fallen to deep into something I should have avoided from the beginning. They were right when they said I am not the right person for them. They were right when they said it felt as if I was building a relationship based on my own feelings. I cannot trust your feelings anymore I am so utterly hurt I don't know.

I just don't know..

And the plot thickens

Yeah you're right
Not any better.. much worse.
I'm dealing with emotions that are far too complex for me to comprehend right now.
I couldn't imagine these emotions would creep back up but here they are.
I feel so alone right now and I should be comforting my mother during this difficult time and I can't summon up the courage to do so.
I'm afraid she would have to console my emotions and I will not be able to do anything for her.
I feel like a failure sometimes and this is one of those times.
This is a tough feeling to grasp. It's almost unbelievable.

Rest in peace dear soul.. you didn't deserve to go like this.

Lost

I struggle with accepting the truth
I know when something is wrong
I always know
But I have never had the strength to accept the truth
I have a tendency to put my own feelings on the back burner and I'm always left burnt
I think the first step in my life would be to understand my worth
I need to learn how to accept and put myself first.
I watched the women in my life always stare from a distance though my father always told us not to.

My daddy always told me to be my own hero. He told me to be strong and not let any man walk all over me. And my whole life I've done nothing but disobey his one rule.

I need to find myself.

I'm lost.

Feeling awfully awful

Ah, so it's been over a year since I've said anything at all. I'm overall content and life has been pretty rewarding. The biggest gift I've gained is the ability to realize where and how I am being used; how to maximize myself by sparing any remaining energy I have after a days worth of work - on my fucking self.

This is not selfish, the only selfish thing I have realized are those that have asked for my helping hand when they are down. I do not seek help from many and if I have trusted you enough in life to let you in, don't be a cunt.

I'm very upset because I've been rhetorically shat on twice today. I'm tired and I'm angry as fuck. I want to move forward realizing my own worth. I want to move on and learn from my current downfalls.

May God help me.. anyone.. Jesus? Allah? David? Buddha? No disrespect - just in need of a few angels and a ton of blessings.

Bye.

I seek mountains

As I sit here holding the bottle my newborn nephew is drinking from, I wonder how I should start this piece. I want to tell you what my body means to me. 

I looked in the mirror today, and I kept looking. I grabbed the little rolls petruding from my back, and I pushed them up; revealing what I imagined my back looking like. In my mind, I am a refined version of what I may be to others. I see that my thighs hug, tightly, though that has been the reality for roughly the last two decades. I look at my bosom, once a topic of ridicule, now a feminine quality I adore. 

If I could go back in time and remind my younger self, at every point this temple was destroyed by a perpetrator; that beauty is not in the eye of the beholder, beauty is within. That those who seek the beauty in themselves are able to see the beauty in others. There is a uniqueness about almost every inch of me, and that uniqueness lies within you too. From the tips of my tiny feet, to the crown of my curly mane; I am loved, by me. None other than the one whose opinion matters most to me. 

I seek mountains (the false truth)

As I sit here bottle feeding my newborn nephew, I can't help but remember the moment when I was getting ready earlier; grabbing the little roll that petruded from underneath my bra clasp. As he sips and breaths rhythmically, I think about how my thighs that have hugged for the last two decades. As he looks dearly at me, slowly drifting off to sleep, I think about my belly, soft, pudgy, and awfully meaty. 

I wonder when I hold my own child in the future, will I tell her the stories of my body? I wonder if I will criticize what I look like once I grow a child inside my belly? Will I continue to ridicule the skin I was born with? 

I want to be honest with you, I love my body, every nook and cranny of it. I want to teach you a new way to look at yourself, to let your inner negativity go.

I worry that self love is a lesson not learned through love, but through association of what we assume what love is. I worry that we have a flawed view of this said love. I worry that there is so much self hate, that people are dying to live as someone else, not allowing that beautiful inner self to blossom. 

Refer to the last post for the second version of this. I wanted to post this to show how my vision altered as I thought more deeply, as I focused on what I truly felt. That confidence and love for myself became undeniable as always. 

Falling

When the last thing ended, I felt saddened. It was nothing compared to what I feel right now. I am surprised but my heart hurts. It feels sore.

What I truly wish is that we were one. Deep inside, it is exactly what we both want. But you are afraid of the unknown. And so am I. 

So we remain the same. You are you and I am I. I suppose we will continue to hurt each other until we fall for the wrong person and ruin it all.. Because we have it all. 

Sun

The pen has dried and the feeling is sinking in. Though I am still unsure and unaware of the pain within. I cannot explain nor separate from the feel. 

I wish to feel like sunshine again.  

Seeking you.

I looked for you in the air.

I looked for you in the rain.

I looked for you in the oceans.

I finally looked within my heart, and there you were; all along. 

Two seven

I've come a long way since January 28, 2015. Hurdles upon hurdles were overcome. I often felt very raw and broken. It was a tough year starting mid year. Mind you, it was a late 2014 type of thing. I will forever cherish the memories I was left with forever of those who left too soon. I will always feel an emptiness that is almost impossible to overcome. Time does make life a little easier to forget. You can manage to replace memories with newer ones. 

I am thankful to see everyday. I am thankful to be loved by those who are closest to my heart. I love everyone who has chosen to take time and be a part of who I am. 

The fault in our stars.. All the stars.

Sometimes I question life; for the most part, I have accepted it. I have accepted the pain as a part of my growth. It's not fair. It's just not fair. 

Speechless speak less

When there's so much to say but there's nothing you can say. When there's so much you can do but have no idea where to start. Is it the beginning or is it merely the end?

My dog lives in heaven and I miss her.

The only time I believe there's life beyond earth is when I wish to see those who have left this world. 

One of the most loving beings I came across in my life; and how lucky I was to have met her; was my dog, Cherry. For months now I have been struggling and the one thing that helps me get through the tougher days are the good memories.

The toughest part is that I remember her most during her last hours. And looking into her eyes and not being able to save her; the last moments. I wish I could focus more on the silly times. The times when she would cuddle me just because. The times when she would jump on the couch with me and lay on my lap. And all the times she would come kiss my hands. I miss her whole heartedly. It's tougher to go through life and death after losing such a vital part of you. 

Nomad nomad nomad

Nomad: the definition is something along the lines of a professional wanderer. 

I've always seen myself as a nomad. I remember a boy from the same ethnicity as I am told me my last name tells him that I am a gypsy, a nomad. This was over nine years ago and I don't think I will ever forget. I can even hear him saying it. Not because I was offended, but for the first time, it sounded so right. 

I am not of gypsy heritage, and I am in no way trying to be disrespectful towards the people who identify as this. I appreciate every heritage that the world has to offer. I think the beauty in all of us is the past we offer. 

Whenever I am getting close to a new friend, key word: close, I make sure to let them know that I am in no position to judge them of their past; and they are not in any position to judge mine. It is not that our pasts make us ugly. It is that our pasts shouldn't be a topic of embarrassment. Our pasts show the complicated puzzle we are. 

Stars and strippers

Here's to hoping you actually don't read my blog. You know it, so I hope you've forgotten the handle and forget the page. 

I hope you find what it is you're looking for in life. I hope it is better than you expect, because you my friend, deserve the stars, the moon, and everything else life has to offer. There's a saying, if you love something let it go; you did that. And I'm forever proud of you. Not because she was bad for you, but because you let her go when she asked to leave. It is scary and sometimes lonely to go through it all. But I promise you this, she will be back. And if you want her at that point, you take her back with open arms. As long as your heart is in whole, I will be happy. I know I am your best friend and your love is all I need when it comes to us. I already got it. I appreciate you to no ends. To never let anything wedge a distance between us. Cause even twins fight; I don't want to ever fight with you. 

As for the situation at hand, I will be okay. Like I always promise I will. When you find that level of peace, I will be okay. 

I never want you to have to pick my friendship in any given situation. I don't want anyone to doubt it. Love you sunshine and hang in there. There's always a rainbow after a storm. 

Right thing

It's a complicated thing. It's a really complicated feeling. I am actually uncomfortable. 

I don't know what the right thing to do is anymore. But I will do what is right for you. What is right for me isn't always what's right for the other guy. 

Love no more

I'm afraid of making new friends and moving forward with life. I wonder if you love nothing, can anything hurt at all? 

Give me strength, oh Lord.

I know life isn't meant to be easy, not for most of us at least. My life has been clouded by obvious emotions the last few months. I have days where I feel suffocated through each breath. It can be hard enough go get through the day but when day turns to night, dreams take over. Last night I saw Cherry and I cried so hard in my sleep that tears were flowing down my face. That woke me up and I continued to want to cry. 

I really don't know what to make of if but if definitely set a tone for this rainy Saturday. I began to feel guilty about her. I guess subconsciously I wish I knew she was sick. I didn't know. I miss her more than words can say. I don't know how to suppress the feeling. 

I feel so overwhelmed with everything that is happening right now. I am struggling to keep afloat. 

Bastard refugee child of God knows where

I am often asked why and how I can speak an array of languages; all I want to reply with is: I am a bastard child of Iran. Abandoned and lived the first few years of my life as a refugee. 

I was born to Iranian nationals who had decided to stray from the main religion at the time, Islam. My dad was stamped a spy and my parents fled in the early hours of the morning to avoid being captured and possibly murdered. I was the youngest of five children; I just over two years old.  

Through the refuge of the UN, we ended up in asylum in India. We were protected by having a chance to live here without governmental involvement. We were allowed to continue life as if it were normal. It was far from it. We were thankful but we were lost. We didn't know the language but luckily my dad knew English and some Urdu at the time. Soon after, the UN commissioned for my siblings to start school. I begged to go to school like my sisters and eventually, when I was three, I was enrolled in preschool. 

It was mandatory to learn Hindi in school if you wanted to learn English. I began learning Hindi at three. My mom says in the beginning, I would come home and cry everyday because I didn't know what anyone was saying. That eventually faded as I learned more and more. I spoke my mother tongue, which I cannot expose for possible safety reasons, I spoke Farsi thanks to my parents and also the Iranian church we attended weekly in India; the congregation was led in Farsi. I spoke Dari as a lot of the children I saw at church were refugees from Afghanistan. I now spoke Hindi and English thanks to school. I picked up some Korean and Japanese (I remember none expect a word or two) from missionaries that came to India and attended our church. 

We moved to a new neighbourhood and there she was, my new best friend, who was a year older, and was about five at the time, a pure Bengali girl! We hung out so much so that I began to speak her language to her parents. I still can understand 80-90% of it. 

Years later, we were sponsored by a church in Canada and moved here. Life restarted again. And I remember the first day of class, I began learning French. The teachers were impressed by my grammar as they assumed it would be similar to that of a cat. My grammar was impeccable, actually scored higher than any of my other classmates who were presumably Canadian children. 

This is why I speak a lot of languages. 

I am speaking candidly, if you know wh I am, please do not expose my identity here, as it may hinder the safety of my family and I. If you'd like to contact me, leave me your email, I will get in touch with you. 

I dreamt that you are happy

I saw you last night. And when I woke up, I couldn't believe it was a dream. I believe it was you. You listened to me. I asked you when I came to your grave to please tell me why you had left? I love you. And I thank you for coming to me. 

I'm sorry I couldn't understand or see your pain. I wish I knew.