biggest pet peeve in life = compulsive liars.

so i take it that there are many things in life that you cannot control... like who someone else decides to become, professionally, emotionally, naturally; it's even hard to control who you become most of the time.
i can't control the decisions people around me make; good or bad. i can't control the fact that i don't see my family members as much as i'd like; brother potentially missing for 8 years - due to a relationship with a fat, old, whore; sister gone for 2 weeks - married to a guy with a shitty family. when will i see them again? god knows.
i'm going to continue my life, try to keep my parents sane and happy for as long as i physically can. i want to study; i'm not happy with where i am today, working with make up makes me feel like an underachiever; but who says a degree makes you smarter? it may make you seem or look smarter, but in reality it is just a bullshit piece of paper that you work towards for 4 years; repetitive useless shit; oh and don't forgot the no guarantee for a better job.

i'm not sad, i've rekindled an old love affair. i'm just upset; not sad. i'm not crying yet. i've stopped talking to the compulsive liar due to a hideous lie that almost ruined my sister's wedding; which btw was almost halted by my fight with my sister's fresh new bitch-mother-in-lard (another compulsive liar).

i'm going to go now. i'll be back. surely.

blah blah blah.. such is life.
isn't it obvious by now? aren't you all used to my rants? isn't this blog all about rants?

.. well okay not ALL but mostly. i find it extremely difficult to write about happiness when sadness is easier to express in more then 3 words.

i think my friend is a compulsive liar. you know, as in they have the disease of always lying. lies lies lies and more lies is what i am used to these days. not only from her but from my sister and well, everyone else.

you can't blame me for not finding it easy to trust anyone. it is hard to trust anyone. needless to say i have seen a LOT, and been through a lot of shit that i didn't and shouldn't have had to. i am saddened by my lack of trust in others. some may say the problems lies deep within myself, that i may be as insecure as it gets, to those i say fuck you, and that most of that is wrong, some maybe right. i haven't decided.

i am however sure that i am extremely upset and sad about people lying.. compulsively. i am slightly disgusted. i even had a married father of one pretend he was a single man living at home saddened by how strict HIS father was.. or is? how low can people get? i did put him in his place with a nice message about how disgusting and filthy i think he is. and that how sad his wife and kid would be if they found out their husband/father is a cheap bastard with insecurities bigger then tits.

lets see.. i have discussed some of my current issues. work is an issue, like always. i did love it until about a month ago. now i physically feel sick when i have to go into work. and that is hard to do 5 days out of the week.. every week. can someone say wwwwwwaaaaaaahhhhhhh.

either i'll get over it or i'll figure it out. i have decided to not let it get to me any more. i can't let it take me down every time. like an unwanted friend always reminds me that i am afraid to face my problems.. and well i am. i always either avoid them or run from them. either before problems start or if i sense them. if i am faced with an immediate problem, i will run.

oh and reminder. about a month and half till my sister marries an asshole. i'm sad. i'm really sad. i just wish people would stop lying. just stop.

absolutely love my life. . . .. most of the time.

okay, scroll down, turn off the background music, click here when you do: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEH9GfYJT9M .. ready? now read.

maybe it'll help you get where i am right now, i'm listening to this song, on a rainy, snowy, cold, spring day. spring is supposed to be beautiful.

you know, it has been 8 years, if i'm counting right, since i have seen my own brother. i'm sure i have mentioned him before, i've lost a count of all my posts. im sure i have.

well my brother, truly an amazing person.. is hopefully well.. where ever he is. sadly, he isn't a part of my life, doesn't mean that i don't love him. but i guess after the events with the family, he decided it was better he stays away from us. however, abandoning us, in my opinion, wasn't the best idea.
it hurts to watch my mother hurt. it hurts to even think about him. sometimes time means nothing. it might be easier to live your daily life ignoring the whole matter, whatever the matter may be, it doesn't mean things are different tomorrow.
i mean i do wake up happy everyday (maybe not right away, i'm up at 3:15 am for work), but i am a morning person overall. i try to remember that everyday is a gift and we should all share our happiness and kindness with the world.

i wish the world was a better place, i wish no one had to feel pain. i wish i could change the world to be a better place. i wish i could.
i wish for so much that sometimes these wishes consume me.
wow i sound so emotional. i'm not. shockingly, i'm not crying. usually these subjects make me cry. not today. i've decided to be that change in my life that i have been craving for, for years.

change the world, one person at a time, be your own superhero. love yourself because that's the only thing you can truly be, learn to love everything about you. i love me!

truly disgusted

http://www.citytv.com/toronto/citynews/videos/114519

am i really shocked? no. but i am really offended and disgusted.

got to keep it simple, classy, short and sweet - much like me.

there was once a little girl who wished to grow up to be a surgeon, a teacher, a horse and sometimes an artist.. then reality hit, science sucked and children were full of diseases.
that little girl was me and now i'm here facing another day, but the last day of me being twenty one, 21, two-one. wow. that's over two decades of my life, i'm only that many days, minutes, hours and days wiser. i hold memories of so many things, happy and or sad.
my 21st in a nutshell:
*began the year with a bang and traveled with my best friend to celebrate my birthday on the beach. (amazing.)
*shell shocked when i lost two cousins - suddenly.
*graduated from school and accomplished a set goal
*lost my amazing, wonderful, courageous and loving grandmother (rest in peace, love love you) she is someone i will never forget. miss her today and will miss her forever. :( still makes me sad to think about her passing.
*i got a job, and a promotion and work with a cosmetic company, yawn.
*faced my cousin getting hit by a bomb and surving - god bless him!
*cried so much from that news ^ that i got water damage on my phone and it stopped working
*i decided men are assholes.
*i decided i will marry one day. one flipping day.
*went on my first business trip and felt like a grown man.
*literally realized i grew up.



and here i am today saying goodbye to 365 days that i enjoyed, and here i am beginning it again. this time i will conquer more goals, hopefully have some more positive memories.
i do have regrets and i do have some great memories. i have realized my life has changed a lot in the past 2 years.
this year is when i claim my independence. truly and at last.
love,
s
27.01.11

sisterly hate.

so here i am wondering why people are so ungrateful?
when did this happen? when did people become so damn selfish? or am i just really slow and realizing this now?

i know i want to leave my parent's house to move and study.. work.. grow.. but i feel like they need me here. i know my mother does.
my sister is using me as a crutch to leave. she knows i'll be here ..for the next few years and will leave to a different country to work with her fiancee. when it comes to my other sister, she is using my parent's house as a hotel and storage. she's sitting here, working, eating, living, and storing everything she needs for when she marries. i wonder if she thinks that once she is in their house (moving in with south asian in-laws) that she won't have to pay rent. we're not south asian, our customs are very different and she doesn't give a rats ass and will do w.e it takes to kiss their asses (refer to blog post titled, my sister is marrying an asshole).

she got a letter from the government today, outlining how she can do her taxes online. "oh these bastards, they always want money!" that's her ignorance. i remind her she has been working 120 hours every two weeks, which seems impossible, but she does it; that there is definitely a huge tax imbalance coming her way this spring. she yells "well i pay rent every month!" clearly she is retarded and doesn't realize so does everyone else. see my parents don't work professional million dollar paying jobs.. we all have to help. my brother puts his entire pay cheque in with my parents for the rent, food, bills. she is here crying over a few hundred. i told her she is disgusting and should move out and realize how much money she would have to pay if she wasn't living off my parents. she is a damn leech and needs a slap on the mouth. i am truly disgusted by her behaviour.

why do people treat their own families so horribly? i still don't understand. i don't want to be a part of her life. i'm so done with her.
screw her, her fiancee, her stupid wedding and everything about her.

i will not stand back and take shit from someone like her.. i need her to respect my parents.

i'm done.

"Ma bouche sera la bouche des malheurs qui n'ont point de bouche, ma voix, la liberté de celles qui s'affaissent au cachot du désespoir." - Ferdinand

welcome eleven. you came quicker than i had expected.. but that's okay.

wanted to rethink some recent occurences in life; most of which seem like a repeat. i am afraid of sounding like a broken record, but this is my blog! i can sound like whatever my heart pleases; a goat, a chicken, or a freaking broken record.

you can talk to as many people as you want in a day, but at the end of the day, do you feel alone? i wonder what this means. i mean in reality, most people who work live a different life then those of the same age still in school(mostly speaking about those who are recent graduates.. young adults, etc.)

i remember talking to people who were a little older then i when i was still in school; i remember them telling me how much they missed school and all that jazz. i never believed it.. but now that i work full time, don't stay up past 10PM i know what they meant. i truly know. i don't really miss school as a whole, i miss the life i lived while in school a little bit. i hate the responsibility of school, the pressure, the exams.. but i do miss the interaction, social, mental, and somewhat physical i guess.

being at work for 35+ hours a week can take a toll on your body, mind, and soul. seriously. for those who are not in my position yet, please, PLEASE enjoy your stay. it is short, sweet and fun. before you know it, those early morning alarm clocks will make you want to scream.

i don't hate my job, i just hate being anti-social, all thanks to work. it is a part of life and i'm looking forward to growing in my career.. but i mean the grass is always greener and sexier on the other side right?

emotionation

here are a few thoughts that i must let out.
i want to change the world. i want to change people.

i never thought i'd have to face this: my little cousin hit by a bomb. sounded like a terrible movie from the past when i heard my sister yelling on the phone, almost crying after hearing about him. i am from the middle east but have not been there for 19 out of 21 years of my life. i don't know much about it. but i am the youngest in my family and they all remember it very well. in our home town, undisclosed, my little cousin happened to be in a crowded area, in a war he didn't create and was seriously injured by a suicide bomber. there were 39 others who died on impact, most of them children and women.

what i don't comprehend about this whole thing is the point of it? i'm sure most people do not. i am disgusted by this.

why is life so horrible, so cold and unforgiving?

lord give me strength.

alors on danse

so my dad is sitting here, sipping his beer, chatting to my mother, and me (he thinks i'm listening but i have my ears stuffed with miguel and j.cole at the moment)
he's speaking about how women are treated in iran, our native country.
he's speaking about our family, his family to be specific, and their habits on how the men and women are treated/behave around the opposite sex. it is literally the taboo thing we all know of.
my mother adds to this about the racial profiling in iran.
i think it is ridiculous. there may be room for change; but to be honest, is that truly possible? there are soo many different cultures, traditions, that follow certain rules, and are not so accustomed to change. i think it would be wise to say that there are some communities that will never change or i should say may change VERY slowly.. if they change it may be so minuscule that no one would notice.
these communities aren't suffering as it may seem.. they are far to comfortable in their own skin. it is okay, they don't know a different way. and i sure as hell can't say we're any better in our western society; to be honest it is sickening how our society always presumes that the other is worse and/or not as good as us.

on another note, my dad wants attention. he can't stand me ignoring him right now.. he has started kareoke-ing. ridiculous.

forever loved

i try hard to remember things from my past, but i always end up thinking about something sad.
why is it that we remember things that make us sad longer and more detailed rather then happy things?
even when i think about life in general, i automatically think about things that are sad, things that stress me out.
to be honest, i still haven't gotten over the fact that my grandmother is gone. i know people say "better in heaven, in no pain, in a better place" blah blah.. and i do believe she is in a better place.. considering she was sick.. i may even be selfish with my thoughts.. but i miss her and i wish she was here.
i wish no one had to die. i wish we lived eternally,.. and i do truly wish heaven is real.. i wish to see those who are not in my life anymore.
i believe that there is always a void.
losing someone in life is not easy.. especially if someone is special to you.. there is no way that you can get past it easily.. there is always a void.. there is always a day when you miss them and want to cry.
rest in peace bibi, i'll miss you forever -

hello? is it me you're looking for?

i keep having sad dreams..
yesterday i dreamt about my grandmother; only to realize she is gone.. so horrible.
why are dreams .. like the way they are?

tired of waiting for something that doesn't exist

to be honest.. i have lost faith in love.
i don't know if it exists, outside the walls of true friendship, family, and love for oneself.
is true love just two people who are really good friends who love each other's company?
i'm not sure how to define love. i'm not sure if i've felt it beyond friendship. i have some amazing friends, actually just a couple, who i love, but not in "that" way, but what the hell is "that" way anyway?

sometimes i wonder if i'm looking in all the wrong places for this thing called love. but if it doesn't really exist then am i looking for something that will never happen? do people die looking for love?

i think love has a lot do with companionship and living or wanting to live with someone who you can try to have a life with. a combined life with compromise, affection, intimacy and maybe a family. there is a lot in this life that i do not understand, love being one of those things that i or many will never be able to explain.

i want to be able to define love, for myself, if not for others. i want to be able to feel love for someone, be able to feel so much love for someone; just much love as i have for my own family.

do you truly believe in love? what love do you believe in? are you in love? is it real? is it really real?

w/ love,
anti-love

polish donuts are called poonchkins

take me to a land where dreams come true..
you know, i was wondering if that shit can actually happen.. i remember growing up i used to watch a show called dragon tales, which still comes on t.v. incase you want to watch it.. i doubt it will be of any interest; however, my point is, this show took two youngsters to dragon land, where they met and hung out with dragons. i remember watching this show and wishing that i were able to go to a different world where i would be able to escape the realities of real life. which is ofcourse not possible.
i hate the thought of not being able to understand where and how this whole thing has come up again, possibly brought on by my long work hours, a ruthless boss, and a manager from an old work place who likes to flirt.
horrible right? it is in many ways.. but in some ways i do love my job, the pay cheque and also the perks. many perks i get.. which i do enjoy.. including trips.
however, i don't know how long i'll be able to stay under the pressure until i blow up.
i don't like to bring work home. but it follows me and stays around.. along with the lack of sleep and missed t.v shows. how sad am i?
i'm not sure if i want to post this.. but i think i will..
when i had to call in sick the other day .. my conversation went something like this "hello.. um hi.. i think i'd like to call in sick.. i think. um thanks.. bye" my lack of confidence due to this job scares me.
bloooody sugar sticks.
i think i'll finish off here and go take a long cold walk outside.. it's cloudy and cold. just how i hate it <3
toodles poonchkins

food me baby

thinking and planning out a second blog.. all about food, my first love.
would anyone care? would anyone read or follow? hmm..
i wonder..

dreaming in colour

are dreams just figments of our imaginations or are they signs from somewhere to make us more proactive or so?

i've always been very curious about dreams.. those we dream at night which either make us scared, sad, happy or unknown (forget them as we wake).. or the ones that are almost goals we set in life to take us further down in life.
i mean i sometimes feel like i'm having a secret affair with myself, in my head, where i argue, cry, laugh.. and do all sorts of things i would with someone else .. i know i sound crazy but try to step into my shoes, i'll tell you how they feel right now:
i'm a 21 year old non-student.. i mean fashion school graduate. JUST a diploma.. feels like nothing now that it is done. so depressing i swear.
i work as a sales associate at the duty free.. which isn't terrible as there is room to grow.. but i want to grow now.. i don't have the patience i used to have.. i'm afraid of letting those down who have dreamt far bigger dreams for me than i ever could have.

i'm not sad that i am not where i'd like to be, i'm sad because when i do get a chance that the person on the other side can't see me past my minimal experiences..
the problem is.. i am experienced.. but perhaps the jobs i do interview for are looking for other specific things.. and my resume is nothing less than a jumbalaya of things unrelated.
i don't know how to precieve this at th moment.. i just hope that i can really follow my dreams soon.. that i can get a break..
but
reality is.. no one gets a break.. you have to break the glass ceiling.. that tough one up there.. i'm gonna make it to where i have set my goals to.. i want to travel.. and work.. and do both together... and shop and crunch numbers and do makeup.
i'm nothing short of complicated in my own mind however, i don't think i'm that far from simple.

dream big and don't fear your dreams.. you are far more capable then you think. trust me. never underestimate the power of true passion and greeed for success!

rest in peace bibi

so it has been over a month since my beautiful, courageous and wonderful grandmother passed away..
i am literally still in shock and still do not want to accept this.
though i had not seen her for years.. my grandmother was very dear to me.. and will always be a part of my heart..
everytime i think about her face.. i cry.
i wanted to see her one last time.. or not even the last.. i wanted to spend some moments with her.. that i didn't get the chance of having
what's even worse is that for certain unmentionable reasons; my parents were not able to attend her funeral.. nor any of those in our country.
so sad because i could see the pain in my father's eyes.. pain that i wish i do not have to see in my lifetime.. the pain of losing a mother..
i don't know how people deal with death.. or accept death that comes so suddenly..
on a personal level, i am unable to accept nor am able to move on from this..
i will never forget her.. and i hope to see her in heaven someday..
to all of those who have a grandparent alive.. please cherish them and show them love.. because they are here on borrowed time..
rest in peace bibi.. you will be missed forever. love you with my whole heart <3

love the life you have

for reals.

it's hard to comprehend the things that are thrown at you on a constant basis.. but we must grab these curved situations, and just jump over them.. we are all capable of overcoming our fears, ourselves, but it's a matter of understanding what that particular thing is; what that particular feeling means - is what takes the most out of us.

finally decided that moving on is the best thing i can do.
move on from old love, graduation, into new things.
i have decided that going back to school will not be the best thing right now. i will try to work on my talents. try to network find connections that i can use.
it was a difficult and stressful decision but i instantly felt relieved once i had decided not to go back.

i think life altering decisions are those that will shape you as a person; obviously. making these on your own can be difficult, hence i got support from a friend.. who has been active in my life lately and it has made me happier.

often times, i find that people will make those who more harmful to them closer .. closer to their minds, hearts and souls. you need to bring people who are a positive and wonderful influence on your life, which may include your family. not always, but it may. in my case, my family is loving and supporting, having them close to my heart makes me whole. there were times when i was younger, when i insisted on having my family as far away as possible.. i regret that everyday, however, i'm making up for the times lost by just inviting them back into my heart..and keeping them there forever.

i'll blog again soon. always want to, never get a chance to.

grow up bitch.

so seriously,
since highschool is over (way, WAY over) i don't understand how people who graduated the same time i did somehow are still mentally in highschool
i don't get fake friends .. what's with that shit?
i'm OVER it.

it sucks that sometimes your friends forget you when they find "new" friends. i know it's important for everyone to make friends, be social, but there is a limit and way you should treat your friends.
someone once said you only have 8 close friends in a lifetime..
i see this like so:
2 will actually be close friends,
3 will be members of your family
2 people you fall in love with
1 person who is there.. sometimes..
0 true friends.
=
8 people in your life.

isn't that SO sad though.
people need to grow the fucccccccck up.

raspish did a presentation, HA.

title says it all.
hahahaha
it was about cargo cosmetics or something.. i couldn't hear over the "aaaaaaaauhmmmm.. so like...."
so i'm not sure.

epic.

someday i'll wish upon a star..

^^i ACTUALLY did that.. sigh..
i miss the warm tropic air.

i don't know why but my life feels really empty.. the thought of graduating may be a good cause of this .. but not sure if it is the only thing to blame (refer to previous post from last night).
i'm having this sort of separation anxiety for both love, life and school.
i don't REALLy know what i'm doing in two weeks time, but sitting at home isn't my master plan. i'm afraid i'll be stuck doing so.

i wish that ONE of the jobs i applied for calls me asap.
i NEED to get out, work, be happy.
i can't stay at home.
but
but
not just any job, i want a job in my field.
i think i'm capable of it.. just not sure where to hunt one down..

ps. how do i get rid of this emptyness.. anyone know what it is? am i just depressed? for the love of GOD Almighty.
jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus.
i just need to drink water.. this evening nap has officially depressed my hormonal mind.

toooooooooodles.
ill go do an assignment.. makes me all warm inside.