15.4.10

leaving love, home, life behind

it's time.
i'm almost done school; 2 weeks left - 2 assignments and 6 exams, i know i'll finish big.
i can't wait, but i can wait.
i miss my love.
i really do.
you know being hung up on someone for four years is difficult. i mean if we were truly together, it would be different.. but we're not. i don't know what we are. we talk daily for months, fight, stop talking for 2 weeks, start talking again.
i feel that it's real but i'm not sure; would someone who is truly in love with me stop me from moving closer to my career?
i always wanted to move (see previous posts... or maybe i didn't mention it?) somewhere..where i can work, dream, make my dreams come true.
i know my field, fashion, is concentrated and tiny here in canada; especially toronto.. there are virtually no jobs, i don't want to be an assistant manager/associate anymore. i'm over it.
hence, the choice to move. i found a few good postings (location to be announced once hired), and applied. only one has somewhat contacted me, they're reviewing my application/resume. i can't wait.. or can i?
well see.. the love doesn't want me to go.. he says we're finally somewhere we wanted to be for four years and i'm leaving. i know it's selfish of me to leave .. but i want to work, so i can help pay off my parents house, make sure they don't have to work anymore; they've done enough anyway.

he doesn't get it. i get him, but he doesn't get me.. he decided we move on, look for new people.. new everything. but i'm not ready to let go!

what's a girl supposed to do? career or love?
smart choice = career
but my heart doesn't agree.. and i miss my love.

14.3.10

"let's just take things slow..."

how does a man always get away with taking things slow after taking things FAST?
fucking men should have their balls chopped off.

yay!

they think they can come back after two months and try to do it all over again.. that's when we take charge, or i hope every woman does.
if you fall for these games once, he's an idiot..
if you fall for the same shit again, you're an idiot.

so ladies,
think twice before you let a man walk all over you.. twice or even three times.

7.3.10

Murses

I was looking at my purse, and thought to myself "why the hell do i lug this shit around EVERYWHERE, ALL THE TIME?
There are times where I don't even have a thing to take with me, but, an empty purse with my chapstick and cellphone in it make me feel whole.
i feel naked without one, and i think most women know exactly what i'm talking about..
believe it or not, purses weren't a huge accessory up until the 70's, so this whole having 300 purses each at $300 is pretty new.
but for a 21 one year old, that is pretty much my whole life. I remember being 15 and carrying my first purse, before that it was always a backpack.. but now i see 4 year olds with their little barbie or disney ones, and think WTF?

do you think we're a society that is stuck on worrying about norms and fitting in? ofcourse. so sad.

13.2.10

rest in peace

early saturday morning. almost 1 am.. usually am in bed, but since i have nothing to look forward to tomorrow, i'll stay up longer.

there are many things on my mind tonight, almost all are confusing and can't be put into words.
i feel like i need to cry to feel better, but i don't have anything to cry about.

it's just that the world feels a little gloomy, mr. mcqueen's death shook me a bit. though there's no personal connection; i feel the world has lost an amazing talent, his work was truly breathtaking and i doubt anyone will ever be able to match up to his level in haute couture.

his death made me wonder how my world will be if something sudden were to happen * knock on wood* would i be able to live through it? when i was younger the thought of loosing my parents made me cry, a lot. today, i'm older, practically on my own at 21, still at home, but mentally alone, i feel that it's reality, really sad reality. the thought still makes me cry, and i never want to accept it.

whenever i hear that someone has lost someone in their family, i really don't know how they deal with it. i really don't know and it breaks my heart everytime. especially a parent, i don't know, or a child. it's difficult i bet but i hope i never have to know.

about a month ago, my cousin passed away from complications of surgery, she was 30 and had 5 young kids. the youngest only a few months old. to be honest, i didn't know her well, but i cried, because i felt her husband's pain, i felt my mother's sorrow, and i thought about her children who probably didn't understand.

not a day goes by that i don't feel the fear of death, not for myself, but for loosing someone, how does one not think about it, or how does one get over this fear? help.

10.2.10

rasspppppish.

what's with the forced raspy voice? I really wish I could add a voice clip, her voice is KILLING it. 'her who' you ask? a girl from my program.. i swear i've never seen her but her constant rasp in the voice is making me really angry.. i'm typing this as i hear her speak. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

it's the sort of cliche type voice, like the valley girl, the thugnugget, and so on. this is what i call the "raspy gone wrong - just woke up but not really" it sounds ridiculousss. oh no! she left, i really wanted to record some of that! haha!

would have been an awesome pick me up or piss me off for another time.

anywho, little blurb of the day i guess. i should get back to focusing on school, blogging during school hours, while in a school building, using the school's internet, should be banned! NOT.

adios.

31.1.10

say goodbye to your heart.


is it always this hard to say goodbye? we all know it's a new beginning, but are we all willing to start again, all over again? how many times will it be before someone breaks and decides that it isn't worth trying to start again, only to say goodbye?

I think it's my time to say enough; enough to goodbyes and enough to new beginnings. i'm sick of it. i miss people i say goodbye to; i know it's one sided, and that's what really sucks.

i don't know how to react when saying goodbye, i usually get busy with water works and cry a puddle. i went to the to the tropics and i think i left my heart there; i didn't get a chance to say good bye, yet i feel empty and feel like there's a lot that needs to be said.

i need some sort of guidance; some sort of assurance that it'll be okay.

i walked the beach holding hands with my heart yet not realizing what was happening. i spotted a shooting star and wished upon it for true love and now i'm scared it came true. though he hates me now, i still believe he misses me.

how is one supposed to know what is the true love? i'm afraid, scared, terrified, did i make a huge mistake? can i blame it all on the star? what do i do? how can i say goodbye to someone accross the ocean and on a tiny island.

this is when i ask my angels to bring me a little bit of sunshine and a little bit of peace; and if possible, my heart please.

9.9.09

I want you.

Why is that when you don't want someone they want you? As soon as they stop wanting you, you want them?

I don't know if it's just us women who do that, but I think it's a major problem, that needs to be addressed a.s.a.p.

5.8.09

Fruit and Nut..? Not.

So, I'm eating this bar of cadbury fruit and nut chocolate... but apparently they're feeling the credit crunch too. The damn bar has like 60 raisins (EW) and like half a freaking peanut. I think it's a joke. I think I'm being punked... ASHTONNNN!

..
... :( fucking raisins.

4.8.09

My sister is marrying an asshole.

Yeah.. it's supposed to happen this winter... er.. next spring? summer? I don't know and that's barely the problem.

This "man" has hit her, called her names, and treat her like shit. His entire family is so disgusting, they constantly make comments and hate on my family members. It's so stupid and I feel like I'm dealing with a grade 3 situation. We've told her several times and she still lacks to understand that life is not a fucking fairy tale.

She has become so distant whereas if I try to say something to her, she won't make eye contact and act like I'm talking to thin air. She'll pretend she doesn't hear anything, because the truth hurts her. At one point, she decided that yes, we were right, and broke off her engagement, that's when she told us about all the things he did, all the terrible, abusive things. So, within 3 weeks, she runs back to him and totally embarrasses my parents. She has no sense in her, she's not 17, seems like she is; she's 29.

I don't even care about him anymore, she pisses me off more. She studied for years and got a degree but since she met him, she stopped trying to find a job. She works a shit job, getting paid a garbage rate but is okay with it because he works with her. I almost feel sorry for her, but I feel worse for my parents having to go through this. I mean we're all waiting for the day this whole thing falls apart and her brain starts working again.

She "visits" her in laws and doesn't come home for days. When she comes back she has bruises of all sorts. If we try calling her during those days, she won't pick up, because she is probably mopping or cleaning. He is the dirtiest fuck I have ever seen. I mean literally, layers of dirt on his skin and few surround his brain and his dirty fucking conscience. I fucking hate him.

There's a part of me that still believes that she has some hope, but the logical side of my brain tells me that she's going to marry him, pop out a few pests then get divorced and come crying back to us. It's not that we won't support her, we will, but my parents are too stressed out to handle her coming problems. I think the thought of marriage his infested her tiny brain. I'm looking at her as I type this, and I'm getting an urge to punch her on the back of the head. I wonder if that will get some sense into her? I doubt it, because I'm sure he's done that to her a few times.

What the fuck do I do now? She don't gets it guys.

2.8.09

GAHHH.

Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, as I have been for the past 2 weeks or so.
Lately I have not felt like myself at all, it's just something that's bugging me, yet I can't figure out what it is.

I'm sure everyone has one of these days, weeks, months, who knows. I feel as if I'm stuck in a rut and I'm annoyed.

25.7.09

no meat, no bones, she was just all skin.


The best Friday night ever:
cuddled up on my couch with some chocolate chip cookies while watching Coco Chanel and blogging away.
I love it.. i think this is what I was always meant to do. Nothing.

Oh poor Coco, her story does slightly break my heart. Fucking men.

Anywho, i was in bed about an hour ago, but couldn't sleep.. I'm looking forward to moving out next year, I'm scared to; I know, I know, I'm 20-but i still am.
I mean living with my family is great, and I'm so happy here that moving out seems obscene, but if I don't do it now, I'm afraid I won't do it ever, I'll be like a 30 year old man living at home while his mother washes his unmentionables. I cannot let that happen, and so I'm going to fulfill my life's biggest goal, finish studying fashion and take my life out to London, England.

I guess my dream is big, but it isn't impossible now is it? I don't feel like it is. I mean logically, it may be hard to achieve- or not. I'm scared, I am... I feel like I need someone to tell me that it's okay, and that I can do it. I do have a few classmates who are there and are supportive but I still need to convince myself.

Toronto may have something for me, but it feels too easy. London may sound cliche, but sometimes big dreams do. I'm looking forward to living alone, starting my life. I'm a little excited if that is safe to say.

These thoughts come easier when I'm in bed staring at my dark ceiling while listening to my fan swivel.

9.5.09

life is no fairy tale.

do we all just expect our lives to be fairy tales?
are we all just waiting for our prince charming or our sleeping beauty?
why can't we just grasp reality and understand that fairy tales are better kept in books, away from our mentalities.
call me pessimistic, but i feel as though i'm watching every aging woman in my life get younger and expect things that will never happen.
i mean it's great to dream and it's incredible if you can still have high hopes at an older age, but we still need to stay in touch with reality.
do we really need to get slammed hard.. and learn all of lifes leasons the hard way?

14.4.09

some moments are harder then others.

never in my life did i think that i would be associated with someone who went to jail, until now.

a few people in my life were put in jail a few days ago, with false allegations.
their bail hearings are in the next two days and i'm dying inside.

i can't believe it, and it's so not fair. these people are amongst my bestest and closest friends.
the fucking media is bashing them, and it's killing me inside. i don't know who to tell, or talk to.
i have been talking with a friend, but i feel like i can't cry to her, because i don't want her to cry.

let me tell you guys, this is hard, i know a lot of people have to face situations like this, and i'm sure they understand how difficult it is to support others who are involved.

i don't know who to talk to, and how to approach it all, it's too much to deal with at once, since it is not one person.

i can't wait to see them, free, and just hug them tight.
this really sucks.

12.4.09

so here i am, basically finished a semester doing fashion arts, and let me tell you, i LOVE it.
i can't believe i took this long to actually start this program.
well i haven't told you guys the good news, better late then never, at the end of february, i left my fascist job! and ofcourse i was happy to do so.
it was the best feeling, because obviously the bitch manager, but shes old news.

all i do now is study and finish assignments, and i'm loving it.
i think it has given me that whole sense of accomplishment and worth that i've been lacking since highschool died
now that i think about it, i'm glad that i took that time off though.
i have changed a lot of things in my life and i couldn't be any happier.
i wish that it continues, and that no one jinx my success.
i can feel my career coming, its an arm's length away.
one more year .. one more year, then i move off to somwhere. and begin my life, with me.

i was talking to the current boyfriend, who btw is pretty new, and actually quite charming, i told him about my plans to move out to england in the next year, he was shocked and questioned us. i hated to admit it, but all i had to say to him was, it's a year from now.. and it's far. and i'm going.

i think my main priority has shifted majorly, my parents are completely supporting me, probably won't support my plan to move, but i think otherwise they're there.

well i have an important call to attend to.. i 'll write again.
bye.
S

28.1.09

twenty.

i'm two decades old today.
woah.

5.1.09

lovers and friends.


i want to talk about love. i know YAWN!

well it doesn't have to be so bad.

do you believe in love, falling in love, or just love?

every time i see a strong couple break up or divorce, the little part of me that believes in love dies a little.

you know who i'm talking about, the trophy couples. they seem so perfect together, and then boom, they kill all hopes.
can exes be friends? i find this one iffy, as i find this truly difficult. i detest most of my exes, and i could care less for the rest. i think the reason to that i try not to get involved with my friends, but it happens, it has happened, and i have tried to be civil with some ex-boyfriends/friends.
hmm. there are a lot of thoughts in my head. i may add more later..

thoughts?

25.12.08

have yourself a very merry christmas!

Christmas is almost over.. an hour to go, according to our clock here in toronto.
i have to admit i'm a little sad about christmas being over.. for me, christmas is something far greater then an excuse to give and get gifts.
i love that extra time we can spend with our families and loved ones. i do .. i really love that feeling.
merry christmas everyone. hope everyone had a wonderful day, and hope everyone who is going through a hard time also found some peace today.
much love you guys!

20.12.08

customers can go suck my


was at work today, obviously, and was so busy, i didn't get a chance to take a break to eat.

why are people who need HELP so fucking rude?

they come to me to get help, swear at me, tell me that i'm useless, then wait till i help them and then they leave. my manager tells me to "let customers vent" .... .... is she fucking kidding me?

let them vent? what the hell is that supposed to mean? okay fine, they can stand there and kiss their teeth while they wait because there are only two people working at a time, and fine, they can swear and ask me why i'm not helping them even though the person i am helping was there before them, FINE okay okay, they can swear at me also, but BUT the fuckers CANNOT insult me, i don't care who it is, i will talk back. i think people think they can get away with murder when it comes to customer service. i'm a little person, very petite, and i think that makes some fucking huge elephant sized women and men think they can intimidate me, not until they try. when i refuse to help them, i feel good.

my manager on the other hand is an idiot who only cares about sales and numbers, ofcourse, she does need her bonus, which makes me want to drop kick her on the face. bitch.

my concern with companies like mine, which shall remain anonymous here, are such users. why do they let fucking people walk all over their employees and expect people to stand there and take shit from these fuckers all day?

they're pathetic if they think people always end up being like that. i say my mind to these fucking people, if you can't communicate with me in a professional manner, in a fucking professional environment, because bitch i don't know you and don't give a shit about you either, then i will REFUSE to fucking even look at you, try me. there should be a bill passed to protect people who work in places like i do, where i'm scared that one of these people will walk behind the counter and slash me. ugh.

i think a lot of you can relate and know exactly what i am talking about.

which kind of sucks, i think we as a society are utterly depressed and sadistic people.

and some people just need to be thrown off the face of the planet. agreed?

19.12.08

schooltronics.

okay okay i'm alive!
i have been missing for a while, needless to say, i have somehow managed to get a little life out of myself.
i miss writing here, i feel like i can speak my heart out over here.
okay so, i don't know if i mentioned school at all, but school is starting for me in january.. .. .. .. eeeek. it has been put off far too many times (two to be exact), now i'm happy yet nervous, yet feel a little pressured about school.
i'm a little scared now, not that it's something i don't like, it's something i love, but i still feel a little sad, you know, having to wake up and do assignments and exams :'( ooo.
well, i'm going to be taking fashion arts, that excites me, but also reminds me of the "special" classmates i'll have. a friend who has taken the course has warned me of the ditzy chicks i'll be meeting, and who will be dropping out almost daily.. yay?
well hope it's going to be a fun ride, and that i get as much as i need out of this.
i'll blog again SOOON i promise : ).
need to sleep before work :(
goodnight and au revoir

3.12.08

friends? do you mean the tv show?

remember kids, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
(just imagine your parents telling you this at a young age, i sure wish mine did, hehe.)
it's a fact, agreed?
discuss.