A month ago today

May you rest in paradise and may there be a life when we meet again. I'm not sure if time heals all wounds. I think time helps you create other thoughts and memories to occupy yourself with to temporarily forget something that hurts you deeply. No one can tell you the pain of a lost loved one; especially when leaving you wasn't a choice of their own. 

Cherry, not a day goes by that I don't think about you. I usually don't cry, but today I stood above the area you rested your head at; it tore me apart. Earlier today, I said to my best friend that it feels like it's been 6 months since you left; however, right now, I feel like you left me today. My heart aches when I think about how scared you may have been, and how much pain you were in. I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry I didn't know you were hurting. And I miss you. 

I love you baby. 

Struggling

I hate how different my life is today compared to even a month ago. When compared to the last few months of last year, my life feels like it isn't my own. I hate to make it seem as though petty differences have changed my life drastically; however, nothing that happened in the last few months has been petty. 

From A's dad spending 3 months in a hospital following a horrific incident that left him in life support, to my kneecap having no reason to dislocate, dislocate. There was that car accident and also my heart being ripped out of my chest just a couple of weeks ago when my lovely baby was taken from me. 

Eventhough everyday should be considered a blessing; I am baffled at the thought that any of this was deserved by the people who felt it. I am thoroughly in mental anguish and my heart aches daily. It has been quite a year. I can't imagine going through worse. 

Last night, while waiting at the emergency room following yet another seizure with A, I started blankly at the wall and said, "we're back again. I do not want the days to come when all you do is spend most of your days watching your parents (God forbid), or anyone you love spend countless hours, days, years here. It feels like a hell though it is probably as close to heavenly healing as we will get." 

Seeing the amount of chaos in a hospital emergency room makes you realize the preciousness of life itself. You really can't take anything for granted. What I would do to go back a few months and detect Cherry's cancer early enough; only God can tell. I'm thoroughly hurt and feel alone. I miss her and everything happening isn't helping. 

I miss my Cherry tree

It's been exactly a week. When 7:30PM rolled around, I felt the lump in my throat grow bigger. My eyes welled up with tears and my heart sank deep. It felt as though it had dropped to my stomach. I can't believe you're gone. And just like that, my life feels so empty. 

I, like most people with pets, understand that they leave you eventually. I, like most of those people, expect them to die at 15-20, of old age. My dog left my life at a bad time and very suddenly. I think what hurts most is watching my other dog actually cry in emotional pain. She was there when Cherry passed and sat with me as I lay with her body, crying, for 3 hours. I just knew if I let go, it would be time to take her away from me forever. I keep wishing I had a paw print of hers, a wad of her fur that bothered me for years but today I wish I was covered in it. I couldn't care less about what I lost to get my baby back in my life. I don't think anyone could have prepared me for what I am feeling today or have been feeling since. 

I spoke to my neighbour today, and I told him that it's harder to lose my dog thank a human being because there are so many faults in a person, but none in an animal. The love that I felt from Cherry is love that I doubt I can replace. I will never try to replace her but I will forever miss her. 

I love you my Cherry tree; I will forever miss you.

Broken-hearted. 

Rest in peace my baby.

I never knew a friendship like this could exist. Today you left my life, but you'll never leave my heart. You were in my life since I was sixteen. You were there through my lows and highs. You always loved me; even when I didn't love myself. You gave me a reason to smile everyday. You were my shoulder to cry on. I love you forever and always. Till we meet again. My baby, Cherry Elle; rest in paradise. 

We all bleed red.

How beautiful is the love between a person and their beliefs? I was driving today and saw this beautiful temple, made from white marble. It was like a piece of art in the concrete jungle. 

I find the love we can have for something more "devine" or the faith we have in something that we cannot prove can be absolutely beautiful. I just wish more people would accept that their belief doesn't trump someone else's belief.  

I wish we lived in a world more accepting of all religions, theists and atheists. Whatever you believe is okay. Whomever you want to pray to, or choose not to pray to, it is okay. 

One of the most private and unique thing about one is their spirituality, or the lack of it. It is absolutely the most sincere thing that one can share with you. If someone ever tells you about what they believe in, be kind, and be open; for your spirituality might be just as foreign to them. 

I am not a religious person, but I do have respect for those who have their beliefs but never push it on others. 

Yesterday I looked at the news, I wish I could count on one hand the amounts of conflicts between neighbours in the world. They're about religion, money, and power. All of which humans have been obtaining through wars for thousands of years. I know that most religions, atleast all of the Abrahamic ones, teach to love thy neighbour, I don't see a part in any religion that says, kill them if they don't believe in me. And if they do, do you question it? 

All of this makes me worried about the future of our generations to come. What a sad world. So beautiful but so violent and sad. 

I'm attracted to assholes

I certainly have a type, assholes. Yes, assholes are my type. If they weren't, I would have been single forever. 

Even the nice ones are assholes once the glitter wears off. It's like with everything in life. You see, when it snows and the sun shines on the snow; it looks absolutely beautiful. Cold but beautiful. When it melts, it too turns to shitty mud. Shitty, icy, salty mud. 

When picking who to spend your energy on, we must first try to find our happiness. If we settle our happiness in others, we end up broken once they decide that you aren't satisfying their happiness. 

You don't know what you seek until you're done knowing who you are. It sounds like a bunch of philosophical bullshit (it is mostly), but it still does portray a nice message. 

I, too, once wondered if I will meet the right person to be with forever. I now am certain that I will only find someone moderately tolerable after I find what the hell my own purpose is. Who the hell am I? Am I an asshole?

"What religion are you?"

I am not my religion. My beliefs are somewhat connected to a religion, humanity. I am a human before I am part of any religion. This question seems so irrelevant and useless to me. What difference does it make to anyone where and how I decide to worship or be spiritual, or if at all? One thing I never will understand is the importance of religion to our world. Like I've heard one very wise man say, "one day, there'll be no religion, we will have a happier world to live in". And I believe this thoroughly. Not because I do not like religion, but because it is used as a crutch too often to justify things that are inhumane. As soon as your religion is none of anyone else's business, the world will become a more peaceful place. Keep it in your heart and not on your lips. 

Bye 25; life is beautiful.

It's my final 6.5 hours at 25; and God, has it been a journey. It has been up and down. But I thank God for every moment.  In my last few years, as a conscious adult, I've lived. I've loved, I've lost, I laughed, I've beamed, I've cried, and I've shattered. Every moment has been beautiful, some poetically, some in a sorrowful way. But every moment has carved me into whatever I've become today. I am a woman. I am a warrior. I may not kneel down to every request; and I do not back down to anything that may poke a hole into my soul. I fight and I love; I do it all. I am a woman. And thank God I am. 

puzzled

does social acceptance of a relationship matter?

let's say there is an age gap which is maybe above average, or you're of two different religious backgrounds, or perhaps your dads are mortal enemies; how does this reflect on relationships?

is it us above the world? is it family first? i'm not sure how this works; as far as i'm concerned, most folks date within their "acceptable" social norms. do you think love concurs all? what if there is love that no one else sees?

i have been on the other side, meaning on the outside of someone else's relationship looking in and not seeing what they may see. love is said to be blind but i always would joke about certain couples (close family/friends) that love has to be blind, deaf, and dumb. now that it's my turn to fall in love, i can see how people may fall in love without knowing what is ahead of them. i'm guessing it's a scary road for everyone.

i still don't know how to curb these social norms and ideals. it's difficult enough to picture your life with someone but to have others watch how you do it makes it so much harder.

life is a puzzle.

brrrrr

i wonder what has made me such a cold, cold, bitch?
maybe it's all the assholes? maybe all the deceit? maybe the lies? the cheaters? the backstabbers? i wonder what has really made me this cold person.

i can be as warm as fresh baked apple pie, or as cold as the north pole.
i act the way you make me act towards you. so technically, you decide.

flakelationship

when you talk the talk, you're expected to walk the walk. in essence, you must keep your word and follow with action.

no one realizes where you stand in life, no one will ever truly know how you feel unless you let them feel it. emotional intimacy is probably one of the deepest, most sacred part of a relationship; any given relationship, and not just romantic ones.

the funniest part is, everyone talks about their feelings, confesses love, tells mommy about the new boy, but does anyone actually feel what you're feeling? oh you had a new baby, "i'm so HAPPY for you!" but most of the time you don't actually physically care. you may truly be happy for them.. but isn't it still fabricated because it is not the same feeling you would get unless that child was say your sibling's new baby? there is nothing wrong with that, emotional disconnect is natural in my opinion, we don't outwardly show these opinions and say "great, new baby, moving on" to anyone.. but it doesn't mean we don't feel it.

what is really my point? well this thought evoked me as i lay in my bed trying to fall asleep for the last three hours. i feel a cold dawning upon my poor soul but the stress of this emotional disconnect is making me want to cry. but there are no tears because i have no idea why i am sad.

actually, maybe i have some idea. that guy i sort of like, is in a "fake" relationship with me, and the best part is that i know, but i don't want to call out his bluff. i'm enjoying the "flakelationship" okay now that made me cry a little. it is so sad. i know some of you may have giggled but really though.. it's sad. we have a somewhat meaningful friendship to the outside world, he's great at fooling everyone, but he isn't fooling me.. except that i am still smiling when he pretends to give a shit. i have to admit it feels good to have someone give a shit. however, that shit-giving is short lived because it has to end. because in retrospect, i am fooling no one but me. he knows what he's for and he's assuming i have no idea. i'm enjoying the game but i'm scared of heart break. truth is, i don't know how to end it.

Okay, i must resume my stress eating right now. any suggestions are welcome!

strangers in the night

yes the title may seem a little out of place but hey, what is actually where it's supposed to be in my life?

i look at my life like a terrible salad. you know, the kind with fruit in it, and everything is slightly withered; everything except the cucumbers, those are crispy and incredible. i love cucumbers. when i eat those, i am happy, but when i eat those gross strawberries with a little bit of lemon and salt on them, i gag. this is my life.

it looks beautiful, it seems beautiful, but it's a little empty and mostly disorganized. i miss a lot of things that were once a part of my life but i do not have the energy, nor the willpower to seek those things again. i would rather dapper and waste time with new things that may be exciting for about 20 minutes but lead me to further confusion.

i sometimes think i make myself miserable by seeking stupidity in life. also, by dreaming big and being scared to chase those dreams. i do everything i do, halfway only. fuck, shit, cunt, whore.
i also seem to have an advanced level of potty mouth syndrome. fuck everything.

i wish to have everything i wished to have today. i wish i was a little more courageous, maybe just enough. or atleast as much as people presume me to be.

i am often told i am strong, i am confident, and both of those to the point it makes them want to "be" like me. ah, ofcourse, imitation is the best form of flattery, but would these same folks jump for joy when i tell them what a disgusting mess i have become?

i wish i could change the world.

this one's for A - someday she will see it.

a lesson in life that i have learned and have always remembered is one i lived through years ago. as a young girl getting my heart broken at 16 probably seemed devastating; i mean at that time it was; however, today it seems far, far worse.

you always need your friends. never alienate those who were there before your significant other(ofthemoment) and will REMAIN there with you picking up the broken pieces of your heart; or in another sense the pieces of your life scattered.

when you begin your relationships, oftentimes people forget who their friends are as they have found a new special one. i don't know why i find i'm good at not working on relationships as i am keeping those friends there. my best friend A has truly been through thick and thin with me, and we are stronger than ever. i remember the days it was 3 of us.. one went her way with a boy and now is married. happily we hope. we aren't so sure.. neither of them has any friends besides eachother.

moral of the story is; do not forget who your real friends are and never take them for granted.
xxo

Without the "C" cheater is just a heater.

So there you have it;
a full blown affair.. and who am i? the victim; of course.

i feel as though i have been pushed down to the ground and i am looking at the clear blue sky wondering why me? why did he hate me so much to do this to me? why did i deserve this hardship, this pain?

to think the night before i kissed him goodbye and told him to drive safe, and make sure you stay in the speed limit. i had this eerie feeling that was the last time i would see him. it gave me chills.

i woke up the next day after my daily after-work nap to a beeping phone. it was a msg from a strange number asking if i was his girlfriend? i didn't know who it was and tried to tell her that she had the wrong person. but how did she know who i was?
after a couple of confusing text messages, there it was.. "i got it from his phone when he was sleeping next to me".

my fingers were shaking, my body felt warm and i was sweating immediately. what the hell was she talking about? i asked her questions, got the details, and they all matched. she was indeed laying next to him the night we fought and i messaged him
"i can't sleep anymore :(" and he wrote back "go to bed". as this stranger, let's call her "h", told me about this, she told me about all the things he had told her about me. that i was the girl he was being forced to marry.. that i was the girl he was dating only because his parents wanted this.

i started to cry and wrote to him "i hope you realize we are done.. this is over"
he didn't write back.. i couldn't stop crying and shaking, i wanted to know this was a lie. i called him and asked him to tell me what the hell was going on i demanded the truth! i demanded the reality to change, and for me to find out that this was a horrible joke.. he couldn't answer, he was getting angry, he was yelling. i hung up and cried. i called my friend A but she was sleeping, called D and she answered and remained calm and collected. she told me i needed to step back and just relax, now was the time to ignore him. forget him.

i soon hung up on D and he wouldn't stop calling.. here was H confirming more to add to the horror. i was being cheated on.

she told me about all the times that they had been intimate that she felt as he had dumped her for me.. she was with him for 2 years before he had met me.. so was the the one he was cheating on her with or was she? i was frazzled and i felt cheap.

i didn't know how i would tell my sister, that her husbands best friend had cheated and killed a little piece of me. but i had to .. i had no where else to turn but to her. she was shocked, the text message didn't suffice so she called. and we talked about it.. my voice was shaking and my body numb. why was i feeling like this? he wouldn't stop calling or messaging me; i kept ignoring. he showed up outside my door, i didn't open it.
i went to bed crying.

i just hope he realizes what he has done and how he has hurt me. since that day (it has been 4 days as of today) i have spoken to his friends, to whom he didn't tell the truth, i have felt betrayed. i spoke to him yesterday and asked him to be honest with me, i already know that i will not be going back down that road again, he said he would. i asked him to stop begging me to see him, it was not happening. he said if i had already made up my mind then why should he try? i said it's up to you. you need to tell me how i would explain this to my parents, my friends, and how do i tell myself? why would you do this to me when i opened my heart, my arms, and my family to you. you used me. have a good life - goodbye.

that was it.
that is it.
now i guess this is how we move on.
i am coming in terms with it.. i have to be strong and carry on.
but i break down time to time. i need a hug, i need some love.
i don't need pity.
i'm hurt but i'm happy this happened now rather than 2 years down the road.
how do i trust a man again? it took me years to trust them and one asshole to kill my trust.

i feel sorry for the man who will have to win my trust.
i feel sorry for myself when i won't be able to trust him.

why is life so twisted sometimes? never feel sorry for anyone.. this is where pity got me.

tired.

deep inside i feel that i may be empty. sort of like a bubble; a black bubble.. no one can tell.
i guess as humans we will always wonder what tomorrow or the future may bring but isn't it a sin to think about the future? why must we live in today when the future seems brighter?

we live, work, sleep, eat and love so that our tomorrow will be better than our today; so why is it that my tomorrows are always the same? i am just tired. i am tired of putting up with downfalls in every step i try to take forward.. i feel like there are arms just pulling me back and those arms just might be my own.

things have been said to me in the past few weeks that have made me far more bitter than they were intended. i believe the person's message got buried under my sea of hate tears. i am however still disgusted by those who lie.

i wish people would stop lying.. our lives would be far more simpler. humans can't not lie though, that is my true belief. hell i lie, not to people i love, i lie about things like why i was late for work.. telling them that i went to sleep crying and couldn't fathom the thought of rushing out of my bed 3 hours later to put on make up on people; i tell them i forgot to set my alarm, i forgot my brushes at home and made a u-turn.

i wonder if i will actually find true love.. is there a mr. right? i don't think i can handle a mr. right-now any more. i am SICK of it and i am tired.

standstill

sometimes life feels as if it has stopped moving, stopped happening.. there are no events.. not major.. nor minor. there aren't little nothings that make you happy. mostly things that bring you sorrow, pain, and tears. today i feel as though i have given up on many things in my life. i am beginning to give up on many things, some i am trying hard not to. it seems as if i am not good enough for the things that i seek to reach, the goals seem out of my reach. why is it that i thought i was good at something but at this point i am very disappointed. i am sick of applying for roles and positions that i think match me like a glove, but to them i am just a name. i meet their credentials but i do not meet their personal needs. i know that as much as canada claims to be fair, its corporations are just as unfair and unjust. i wish i knew people, people who would benefit my career; however not everyone is so lucky.

boys take us to levels we didn't know existed (in hell).

there's something that's bothering me .. i'm itching and bitching to find out the bottom to this situation

here's the dish:
boy meets girl at a party.. thinks she's hot, girl is much older. boy doesn't give a rats ass.
months go by, boy meets girl's friend, thinks she's pretty! boy gets confused... oh shit.
boy sees both girls at wedding... together, poor boy... eyes one, eyes the other.. hits on second friend. catches her by charm. spends the evening laughing, dancing, talking.. promising a life of fun and friendship.
next day.. boy calls girl .. tells her, he's not interested in a relationship.. not ready.. blah blah garbage.. girl is confused at this point.. reassures him that her intentions are not different. they continue to talk daily about the weather, the news, themselves, hobbies.. three days go by; things are great... boy asks girl for the girl's friend's number (the one he met first). she hesitates, contacts the girl, the girls discuss girl-code and try to wrap their heads around the situation.. they're both confused at this point. they agree to give the number to get to the bottom of this.. boy seems TOO happy for this outcome.. girl he was flirting with is heartbroken and feels used.
he sweet talks girl #1 and tries to tell her she's pretty; she immediately puts him in his place and reminds him he is going to break her friend's heart. he tells her he isn't interested.. blah. blah.. BLAH. now girl #2 is pissed, calls him and tells him he's a piece of shit (good job on that). he tries to tell her she's dumb for thinking that he was trying to play the two (idiot). girl #2 begins to ignore him.. days go by.. boy realizes he FUCKed up. he continues to call her.. bother her.. message her sweet nothings telling her he's sorry that he was just trying to be bold. girl #1 eventually falls for his bullshit and calls her friend to reassure her that there might be some sort of honesty in his word. girl #2 calls him... 5 days later. they talk. now she's confused.. what should she do.. he seems really honest and amazing.. but he still claims to not want anything from her.. but he says he has feelings; now, she did remind him that no relationship = friendship, good, clean. all of that. you know.
now girl #2 is still pissy. she needs our help.. if you read this.. help her out; advice please.

thank you.

hmph.

here i am, confused, lost.. yet again.
any surprise?
i'm currently in an air cast resting my pretty much broken foot+ankle. i'm in pain. i can't work, i can't walk, i can't sleep. this sucks.
that isn't the worst of my worries right now. i am concerned about my future. i don't know what's happening. i want to go to school and i want my career to start. i am so annoyed right now.
i am looking at schools and i am looking and many other things.
hm hm hm HMPH.
i am sooo stressed :'(

biggest pet peeve in life = compulsive liars.

so i take it that there are many things in life that you cannot control... like who someone else decides to become, professionally, emotionally, naturally; it's even hard to control who you become most of the time.
i can't control the decisions people around me make; good or bad. i can't control the fact that i don't see my family members as much as i'd like; brother potentially missing for 8 years - due to a relationship with a fat, old, whore; sister gone for 2 weeks - married to a guy with a shitty family. when will i see them again? god knows.
i'm going to continue my life, try to keep my parents sane and happy for as long as i physically can. i want to study; i'm not happy with where i am today, working with make up makes me feel like an underachiever; but who says a degree makes you smarter? it may make you seem or look smarter, but in reality it is just a bullshit piece of paper that you work towards for 4 years; repetitive useless shit; oh and don't forgot the no guarantee for a better job.

i'm not sad, i've rekindled an old love affair. i'm just upset; not sad. i'm not crying yet. i've stopped talking to the compulsive liar due to a hideous lie that almost ruined my sister's wedding; which btw was almost halted by my fight with my sister's fresh new bitch-mother-in-lard (another compulsive liar).

i'm going to go now. i'll be back. surely.

blah blah blah.. such is life.
isn't it obvious by now? aren't you all used to my rants? isn't this blog all about rants?

.. well okay not ALL but mostly. i find it extremely difficult to write about happiness when sadness is easier to express in more then 3 words.

i think my friend is a compulsive liar. you know, as in they have the disease of always lying. lies lies lies and more lies is what i am used to these days. not only from her but from my sister and well, everyone else.

you can't blame me for not finding it easy to trust anyone. it is hard to trust anyone. needless to say i have seen a LOT, and been through a lot of shit that i didn't and shouldn't have had to. i am saddened by my lack of trust in others. some may say the problems lies deep within myself, that i may be as insecure as it gets, to those i say fuck you, and that most of that is wrong, some maybe right. i haven't decided.

i am however sure that i am extremely upset and sad about people lying.. compulsively. i am slightly disgusted. i even had a married father of one pretend he was a single man living at home saddened by how strict HIS father was.. or is? how low can people get? i did put him in his place with a nice message about how disgusting and filthy i think he is. and that how sad his wife and kid would be if they found out their husband/father is a cheap bastard with insecurities bigger then tits.

lets see.. i have discussed some of my current issues. work is an issue, like always. i did love it until about a month ago. now i physically feel sick when i have to go into work. and that is hard to do 5 days out of the week.. every week. can someone say wwwwwwaaaaaaahhhhhhh.

either i'll get over it or i'll figure it out. i have decided to not let it get to me any more. i can't let it take me down every time. like an unwanted friend always reminds me that i am afraid to face my problems.. and well i am. i always either avoid them or run from them. either before problems start or if i sense them. if i am faced with an immediate problem, i will run.

oh and reminder. about a month and half till my sister marries an asshole. i'm sad. i'm really sad. i just wish people would stop lying. just stop.