strangers in the night

yes the title may seem a little out of place but hey, what is actually where it's supposed to be in my life?

i look at my life like a terrible salad. you know, the kind with fruit in it, and everything is slightly withered; everything except the cucumbers, those are crispy and incredible. i love cucumbers. when i eat those, i am happy, but when i eat those gross strawberries with a little bit of lemon and salt on them, i gag. this is my life.

it looks beautiful, it seems beautiful, but it's a little empty and mostly disorganized. i miss a lot of things that were once a part of my life but i do not have the energy, nor the willpower to seek those things again. i would rather dapper and waste time with new things that may be exciting for about 20 minutes but lead me to further confusion.

i sometimes think i make myself miserable by seeking stupidity in life. also, by dreaming big and being scared to chase those dreams. i do everything i do, halfway only. fuck, shit, cunt, whore.
i also seem to have an advanced level of potty mouth syndrome. fuck everything.

i wish to have everything i wished to have today. i wish i was a little more courageous, maybe just enough. or atleast as much as people presume me to be.

i am often told i am strong, i am confident, and both of those to the point it makes them want to "be" like me. ah, ofcourse, imitation is the best form of flattery, but would these same folks jump for joy when i tell them what a disgusting mess i have become?

i wish i could change the world.