Struggling

I hate how different my life is today compared to even a month ago. When compared to the last few months of last year, my life feels like it isn't my own. I hate to make it seem as though petty differences have changed my life drastically; however, nothing that happened in the last few months has been petty. 

From A's dad spending 3 months in a hospital following a horrific incident that left him in life support, to my kneecap having no reason to dislocate, dislocate. There was that car accident and also my heart being ripped out of my chest just a couple of weeks ago when my lovely baby was taken from me. 

Eventhough everyday should be considered a blessing; I am baffled at the thought that any of this was deserved by the people who felt it. I am thoroughly in mental anguish and my heart aches daily. It has been quite a year. I can't imagine going through worse. 

Last night, while waiting at the emergency room following yet another seizure with A, I started blankly at the wall and said, "we're back again. I do not want the days to come when all you do is spend most of your days watching your parents (God forbid), or anyone you love spend countless hours, days, years here. It feels like a hell though it is probably as close to heavenly healing as we will get." 

Seeing the amount of chaos in a hospital emergency room makes you realize the preciousness of life itself. You really can't take anything for granted. What I would do to go back a few months and detect Cherry's cancer early enough; only God can tell. I'm thoroughly hurt and feel alone. I miss her and everything happening isn't helping.