blah blah blah.. such is life.
isn't it obvious by now? aren't you all used to my rants? isn't this blog all about rants?

.. well okay not ALL but mostly. i find it extremely difficult to write about happiness when sadness is easier to express in more then 3 words.

i think my friend is a compulsive liar. you know, as in they have the disease of always lying. lies lies lies and more lies is what i am used to these days. not only from her but from my sister and well, everyone else.

you can't blame me for not finding it easy to trust anyone. it is hard to trust anyone. needless to say i have seen a LOT, and been through a lot of shit that i didn't and shouldn't have had to. i am saddened by my lack of trust in others. some may say the problems lies deep within myself, that i may be as insecure as it gets, to those i say fuck you, and that most of that is wrong, some maybe right. i haven't decided.

i am however sure that i am extremely upset and sad about people lying.. compulsively. i am slightly disgusted. i even had a married father of one pretend he was a single man living at home saddened by how strict HIS father was.. or is? how low can people get? i did put him in his place with a nice message about how disgusting and filthy i think he is. and that how sad his wife and kid would be if they found out their husband/father is a cheap bastard with insecurities bigger then tits.

lets see.. i have discussed some of my current issues. work is an issue, like always. i did love it until about a month ago. now i physically feel sick when i have to go into work. and that is hard to do 5 days out of the week.. every week. can someone say wwwwwwaaaaaaahhhhhhh.

either i'll get over it or i'll figure it out. i have decided to not let it get to me any more. i can't let it take me down every time. like an unwanted friend always reminds me that i am afraid to face my problems.. and well i am. i always either avoid them or run from them. either before problems start or if i sense them. if i am faced with an immediate problem, i will run.

oh and reminder. about a month and half till my sister marries an asshole. i'm sad. i'm really sad. i just wish people would stop lying. just stop.

alors on danse

so my dad is sitting here, sipping his beer, chatting to my mother, and me (he thinks i'm listening but i have my ears stuffed with miguel and j.cole at the moment)
he's speaking about how women are treated in iran, our native country.
he's speaking about our family, his family to be specific, and their habits on how the men and women are treated/behave around the opposite sex. it is literally the taboo thing we all know of.
my mother adds to this about the racial profiling in iran.
i think it is ridiculous. there may be room for change; but to be honest, is that truly possible? there are soo many different cultures, traditions, that follow certain rules, and are not so accustomed to change. i think it would be wise to say that there are some communities that will never change or i should say may change VERY slowly.. if they change it may be so minuscule that no one would notice.
these communities aren't suffering as it may seem.. they are far to comfortable in their own skin. it is okay, they don't know a different way. and i sure as hell can't say we're any better in our western society; to be honest it is sickening how our society always presumes that the other is worse and/or not as good as us.

on another note, my dad wants attention. he can't stand me ignoring him right now.. he has started kareoke-ing. ridiculous.

have yourself a very merry christmas!

Christmas is almost over.. an hour to go, according to our clock here in toronto.
i have to admit i'm a little sad about christmas being over.. for me, christmas is something far greater then an excuse to give and get gifts.
i love that extra time we can spend with our families and loved ones. i do .. i really love that feeling.
merry christmas everyone. hope everyone had a wonderful day, and hope everyone who is going through a hard time also found some peace today.
much love you guys!

lost me, somewhere in the crowd.

so a stranger now - friend once- decided to re-enter my life today. i was happy for a split second, i truly was. now i feel sadder than ever.
i actually think i may be suffering from a form of depression. i feel like within the last two years, i abandoned my friends and family. i closed up, i swear i'm not that "sweet, funny, bubbly" person i used to be.
i feel like a chunk of me is missing, that i lost a piece of myself over the past few months.
as i lost friend after friend, i kind of realized what friends were worth.
though i don't regret losing these friends, it happened for the best, i can't seem to open up to anyone else that has entered my life.
i feel intimidated by some friends, and feel like i don't belong sometimes. i don't know if everyone goes through a phase like this or even if this is "normal".
i know some of you may have read my post about my brother, well it's still getting to me. i don't know how to find closure for that and many other things in my life.
i miss working with my friends, i lost that job when i injured my foot earlier this year, i want to re -apply but feel a little embarrassed.
i think that i should move on, but i really miss working with my friends and just being around people i LOVE all day.
i mean the new job is awesome, i love it, but it's nothing compared to my old job, and my old memories.
family life is still a bit on the rocks.. we have our moments, at times i want to cry my eyes out and scream right in the middle of the living room, and other times, we laugh, giggle at the stupid things my dogs do.
but being someone else is really hard. i really want to be me again. i'm crying, but it feels good to cry, i've kept this in for a few weeks and didn't know who to tell.
so here i am, exposed, once again.
i want to go cry in bed, i just wake up happier, i really hope it works. wish me luck.
xx

home sweet home

i don't think i ever appreciate my home as much as i do during cold winter days or hot humid summer days.
the other day, i went to fear fest at wonderland, and for my non-canadian readers, wonderland is a HUGE amusement park here in toronto.
i don't usually go there, but for the past two years we have started to go for halloween.
anywho, i went there with my sister, her fiancee and his older brother. it was fun, it usually ends up being, i hate going on rides, but somehow they convince me to get on one and then afterwards, i refuse to near any.
it was a warm day, surprisingly nice out here, and they thought it was stay a bit warm, and so we decided not to wear anything super warm. BIG MISTAKE.
i make alot of big mistakes : ).
so come 10 o'clock, the temprature drops like a million degrees. i was so tired of walking and i couldn't stand the cold, i even started to get a back ache from the cold.
and i was SOOO happy to step into my house after the long night, i mean don't get me wrong, i had alot of fun and i'm always up to go out, but at the end of the day, i don't want anything more then my bed and blanket.
i can't imagine not having a home to come to.
those are the nights i feel so strongly for the homeless, for people living under the poverty line. and it makes me sick. because the winters in canada are COLD, i mean a limb will fall off if you don't cover it, no pun intended.
it's terrible, i mean i go downtown every now and then during winter time, and see the poor people laying on those manholes that blow out warm air. and i swear it breaks my heart :'(
appreciate your home, your family or loved ones, not everyone has what you have, honestly. it can always be worse.
much love
xx

my brother.

i'm a little sad,
and this is because i feel so strongly for a friend on the blogs here, sarah, who blogs on www.girllikesgirl.blogspot.com, she is an awesome person, you can tell just by reading what she writes, and you can almost feel what she writes.
she is going through a rough time, and it reminds me of some moments which were barely similar, but somewhat painful. nothing can compare to what she is feeling though. much love for you sarah!

i'm sad because i miss my brother, i haven't seen him since i was fourteen.
in my family, we are 5 siblings and both my parents are still here with us, and i love them to death. i love my parents oh so much. i really do. as a family, we've been through A LOT in life and not seeing one of our family members has dug out a big hole in our household. i'm crying as a type. i can't help it. as soon as i start talking about my brother, i get very emotional.. because i'm a bit angry at him.
see, my brother was the oldest out of all the siblings, and i'm the youngest. we were always very close, and i'm angry that he doesn't bother calling us. infact, we don't even know where he is.
he left angry. he was dating a woman who was basically a witch. she is an older woman, about my mother's age, with a son who is 25, (my brother is 32 now). which makes it totalllly awkward.
at first, we didn't say anything about her, we accepted her because love is blind, and apparently stupid too.
we didn't mind her, we were sweet to her, me and my two sisters tried hard to make her comfortable in the household. but it was weird, i was a bit young to understand, and didn't get why she was always avoiding our family. she disrespected my family several times, and she didn't like my mother, who i swear is the sweetest woman anyone will ever meet, she didn't like me or my sisters.
she did the weirdest things, and i won't get into it. she didn't tell us about her son, or her past, she claimed she was 27... and yeah.. she didn't look it.
she stayed with us for a few days and so this gave me a chance to get into her stuff one night when she was out with my brother.
we got some i.d. from her bag and there it was, her fake name on a passport. her birthday, and pictures of her old son.
we didn't know what to do. we acted like we never saw it.
eventually she made my father so angry that he made my brother pick between her and us.
and as you can tell .. he picked her. and left our house. and we haven't seen him since.
he called us every now and then, but hasn't called in over two years.
this is hard on my mother, she cried for about 6 months straight. was miserable. and now still misses him ofcourse.
i don't know what to expect.
my dad doesn't mention him to anyone anymore, it's like he never exsisted.
i can't talk about him in front of my mom, it just crushes her.
i don't know what to do. he may read this.. i hope he does, and i hope he knows who is writing this.
i miss him alot, i can't believe it has been 5 years, and i've cried alot.. and i really want to see my brother again. the last time i spoke to him was when i was in the hospital, dying, he decided to call, and i didn't want to talk to him, i was angry, i wish i begged him to come. i wish i did.
i can't stop crying. so i'll stop talking about him. i'm so depressed about this. i don't know what to do.
xx