blah blah blah.. such is life.
isn't it obvious by now? aren't you all used to my rants? isn't this blog all about rants?
.. well okay not ALL but mostly. i find it extremely difficult to write about happiness when sadness is easier to express in more then 3 words.
i think my friend is a compulsive liar. you know, as in they have the disease of always lying. lies lies lies and more lies is what i am used to these days. not only from her but from my sister and well, everyone else.
you can't blame me for not finding it easy to trust anyone. it is hard to trust anyone. needless to say i have seen a LOT, and been through a lot of shit that i didn't and shouldn't have had to. i am saddened by my lack of trust in others. some may say the problems lies deep within myself, that i may be as insecure as it gets, to those i say fuck you, and that most of that is wrong, some maybe right. i haven't decided.
i am however sure that i am extremely upset and sad about people lying.. compulsively. i am slightly disgusted. i even had a married father of one pretend he was a single man living at home saddened by how strict HIS father was.. or is? how low can people get? i did put him in his place with a nice message about how disgusting and filthy i think he is. and that how sad his wife and kid would be if they found out their husband/father is a cheap bastard with insecurities bigger then tits.
lets see.. i have discussed some of my current issues. work is an issue, like always. i did love it until about a month ago. now i physically feel sick when i have to go into work. and that is hard to do 5 days out of the week.. every week. can someone say wwwwwwaaaaaaahhhhhhh.
either i'll get over it or i'll figure it out. i have decided to not let it get to me any more. i can't let it take me down every time. like an unwanted friend always reminds me that i am afraid to face my problems.. and well i am. i always either avoid them or run from them. either before problems start or if i sense them. if i am faced with an immediate problem, i will run.
oh and reminder. about a month and half till my sister marries an asshole. i'm sad. i'm really sad. i just wish people would stop lying. just stop.
Showing posts with label insecurities. Show all posts
Showing posts with label insecurities. Show all posts
11.7.11
1.9.10
dreaming in colour
are dreams just figments of our imaginations or are they signs from somewhere to make us more proactive or so?
i've always been very curious about dreams.. those we dream at night which either make us scared, sad, happy or unknown (forget them as we wake).. or the ones that are almost goals we set in life to take us further down in life.
i mean i sometimes feel like i'm having a secret affair with myself, in my head, where i argue, cry, laugh.. and do all sorts of things i would with someone else .. i know i sound crazy but try to step into my shoes, i'll tell you how they feel right now:
i'm a 21 year old non-student.. i mean fashion school graduate. JUST a diploma.. feels like nothing now that it is done. so depressing i swear.
i work as a sales associate at the duty free.. which isn't terrible as there is room to grow.. but i want to grow now.. i don't have the patience i used to have.. i'm afraid of letting those down who have dreamt far bigger dreams for me than i ever could have.
i'm not sad that i am not where i'd like to be, i'm sad because when i do get a chance that the person on the other side can't see me past my minimal experiences..
the problem is.. i am experienced.. but perhaps the jobs i do interview for are looking for other specific things.. and my resume is nothing less than a jumbalaya of things unrelated.
i don't know how to precieve this at th moment.. i just hope that i can really follow my dreams soon.. that i can get a break..
but
reality is.. no one gets a break.. you have to break the glass ceiling.. that tough one up there.. i'm gonna make it to where i have set my goals to.. i want to travel.. and work.. and do both together... and shop and crunch numbers and do makeup.
i'm nothing short of complicated in my own mind however, i don't think i'm that far from simple.
dream big and don't fear your dreams.. you are far more capable then you think. trust me. never underestimate the power of true passion and greeed for success!
i've always been very curious about dreams.. those we dream at night which either make us scared, sad, happy or unknown (forget them as we wake).. or the ones that are almost goals we set in life to take us further down in life.
i mean i sometimes feel like i'm having a secret affair with myself, in my head, where i argue, cry, laugh.. and do all sorts of things i would with someone else .. i know i sound crazy but try to step into my shoes, i'll tell you how they feel right now:
i'm a 21 year old non-student.. i mean fashion school graduate. JUST a diploma.. feels like nothing now that it is done. so depressing i swear.
i work as a sales associate at the duty free.. which isn't terrible as there is room to grow.. but i want to grow now.. i don't have the patience i used to have.. i'm afraid of letting those down who have dreamt far bigger dreams for me than i ever could have.
i'm not sad that i am not where i'd like to be, i'm sad because when i do get a chance that the person on the other side can't see me past my minimal experiences..
the problem is.. i am experienced.. but perhaps the jobs i do interview for are looking for other specific things.. and my resume is nothing less than a jumbalaya of things unrelated.
i don't know how to precieve this at th moment.. i just hope that i can really follow my dreams soon.. that i can get a break..
but
reality is.. no one gets a break.. you have to break the glass ceiling.. that tough one up there.. i'm gonna make it to where i have set my goals to.. i want to travel.. and work.. and do both together... and shop and crunch numbers and do makeup.
i'm nothing short of complicated in my own mind however, i don't think i'm that far from simple.
dream big and don't fear your dreams.. you are far more capable then you think. trust me. never underestimate the power of true passion and greeed for success!
7.10.08
who am - wait, who the hell is she?
identity crisis
are we a society in which there is no such thing as individuality?
i knew a girl who wanted to be paris hilton, i'm sure everyone knows a girl who wants to be paris hilton. but that aside, she was full of it, the hair, the brand name clothing, the "that's hot" every 15 seconds, yes you probably have guessed it, i wanted to smack her on the back of the neck real hard.
i mean the world doesn't need another paris hilton.
this girl's mother being the female equivalent to hitler, not letting her daughter do ANYTHING at all, she was a typical helicopter mom.
ugh how mad this girl made me.
she isn't the only one i see that has an identity issue, i think most of us do, it's a far more complex thing then what any of us expect.
it's more personal then what they publicly do.
so the second person i know is a woman that was a friend of my aunt in sweden. i met her this summer when i went to europe. now she isn't so young, nor is she old. she's in her early 40's and has 4 children, of whom one just recently got married and moved to another continent, another who has a bit of social problems (he was neglected as a child), one who is a complete goth, and another who is young, still in grade school.
the mother however, seems to be stuck in her teens, she has a digital camera and can't stop snapping her shots, and printing/posting them on the fridge door.
i didn't know what was more disturbing, pictures of her all over the house, pouting, or her acting as if she never had children.
i think the main idea is that i'm just sick of people being everyone else but themselves.
i mean yes i saw the actual problem with these people, the paris hilton wannabe was an ex-bestfriend. ex for a reason might i add. she was probably one of the most insecure people i have ever met. she hated herself, but the only way she hid that was by making fun of everyone she saw and just gave herself a cheap boost.
i don't like people who need to put others down to make themselves better.
i think it's disgusting and just makes them look worse then they probably intended to seem. they wanted a cheap laugh, but they just made themselves look like poop.
another thing i want to touch base on is highschool-minded-ness.
by that i mean is that highschool mentality some people have during and a lot of the times carry on with them for years after highschool. it's that jealousy they feel towards others, or the shit talking, the betrayal that may have done, which they carry on forever.
i had a first class experience with this today, a "friend" from school, from who i always felt a bit of hate from, decided she would message me after a year. she wanted to ask me how i was, blah blah, then she got to her point and there it was, she was stripped, i found out all i needed to know to confirm who i've thought she was, a jealous, cheap, bitch.
her: so, i like your pictures, they are always so pretty.
me: aw thank you.
her: but it's funny, you never let anyone take pictures of you, you always hid your face with your hand.
me: yes indeed.
what i really wanted to say: bitch, you are a stalker, a hater bitch who just wants my pictures for bullshit reasons that i don't know, probably facebook, pathetic as that seems, you are far more.
what i still don't understand is, why was it so important for her to have pictures of me, like woah bitch back off.
i don't get women, i swear, you can try to be who i am, but you can't. No. stupid bitch.
again, another angry moment, with another woman.
i don't get women, they're so fucked up seriously, why be so jealous and such.
i mean i thought all of that was over during highschool, pathetic enough, i'm the center of your world. aw, i'm flattered. really.
i mean if i start talking about me and highschool, the list, the entry, would be neverending. thanks to the girls.
anywho, i think people always want to be someone else, but these people are just insecure in their own skin, they need to look beyond what others may think and just attempt to be themselves, minus the cover, for a change.
it's harder then i thought. age doesn't make a difference, obviously.
xx.
s.a
are we a society in which there is no such thing as individuality?
i knew a girl who wanted to be paris hilton, i'm sure everyone knows a girl who wants to be paris hilton. but that aside, she was full of it, the hair, the brand name clothing, the "that's hot" every 15 seconds, yes you probably have guessed it, i wanted to smack her on the back of the neck real hard.
i mean the world doesn't need another paris hilton.
this girl's mother being the female equivalent to hitler, not letting her daughter do ANYTHING at all, she was a typical helicopter mom.
ugh how mad this girl made me.
she isn't the only one i see that has an identity issue, i think most of us do, it's a far more complex thing then what any of us expect.
it's more personal then what they publicly do.
so the second person i know is a woman that was a friend of my aunt in sweden. i met her this summer when i went to europe. now she isn't so young, nor is she old. she's in her early 40's and has 4 children, of whom one just recently got married and moved to another continent, another who has a bit of social problems (he was neglected as a child), one who is a complete goth, and another who is young, still in grade school.
the mother however, seems to be stuck in her teens, she has a digital camera and can't stop snapping her shots, and printing/posting them on the fridge door.
i didn't know what was more disturbing, pictures of her all over the house, pouting, or her acting as if she never had children.
i think the main idea is that i'm just sick of people being everyone else but themselves.
i mean yes i saw the actual problem with these people, the paris hilton wannabe was an ex-bestfriend. ex for a reason might i add. she was probably one of the most insecure people i have ever met. she hated herself, but the only way she hid that was by making fun of everyone she saw and just gave herself a cheap boost.
i don't like people who need to put others down to make themselves better.
i think it's disgusting and just makes them look worse then they probably intended to seem. they wanted a cheap laugh, but they just made themselves look like poop.
another thing i want to touch base on is highschool-minded-ness.
by that i mean is that highschool mentality some people have during and a lot of the times carry on with them for years after highschool. it's that jealousy they feel towards others, or the shit talking, the betrayal that may have done, which they carry on forever.
i had a first class experience with this today, a "friend" from school, from who i always felt a bit of hate from, decided she would message me after a year. she wanted to ask me how i was, blah blah, then she got to her point and there it was, she was stripped, i found out all i needed to know to confirm who i've thought she was, a jealous, cheap, bitch.
her: so, i like your pictures, they are always so pretty.
me: aw thank you.
her: but it's funny, you never let anyone take pictures of you, you always hid your face with your hand.
me: yes indeed.
what i really wanted to say: bitch, you are a stalker, a hater bitch who just wants my pictures for bullshit reasons that i don't know, probably facebook, pathetic as that seems, you are far more.
what i still don't understand is, why was it so important for her to have pictures of me, like woah bitch back off.
i don't get women, i swear, you can try to be who i am, but you can't. No. stupid bitch.
again, another angry moment, with another woman.
i don't get women, they're so fucked up seriously, why be so jealous and such.
i mean i thought all of that was over during highschool, pathetic enough, i'm the center of your world. aw, i'm flattered. really.
i mean if i start talking about me and highschool, the list, the entry, would be neverending. thanks to the girls.
anywho, i think people always want to be someone else, but these people are just insecure in their own skin, they need to look beyond what others may think and just attempt to be themselves, minus the cover, for a change.
it's harder then i thought. age doesn't make a difference, obviously.
xx.
s.a
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